Happy Birthday!

Today is my birthday. I turned 28 this morning to the sweet smell of cinnamon rolls and coffee my wife had prepared before I departed for work. When I rolled my sorry tail outta bed I was met with a heartwarming "HAP-PY BIRTHDAAAAAY!" like something straight out of Frosty the Snowman a la Rankin-Bass.

It doesn't feel much different than 27, and I'm pretty sure I'm reaching that point where birthdays aren't what they used to be. I've got everything in the world I could ever need, and the only thing that I want is to spend time with my family once I'm off work.

Perhaps this is what birthdays are meant to be about after the thrill of turning 21 wears off. But don't get me wrong, I still like to get my blackout on just as much as the next guy. Now-a-days it just means my tolerance is so low that now I only require a few drinks to party. I would file that under "fiscal responsibility" but the beer I used to drink in college cost $10 for a 500 pack. Refined taste comes with a price tag.

All that aside, I'm looking forward to this evening with my wife and parents. I couldn't be luckier to have people who care this much about me and the occasional person who swings by my blog to read about it.

As a side note, since most of you know what a music fanatic I am, today is also Frank Zappa's birthday. He should be 70 today but instead he's stretched out in an unmarked grave in Los Angeles somewhere. Unfortunately prostate cancer research wasn't really what it is now back in the early 90's (so guys, get your poopers checked). The man was a musical genius and a warrior for the 1st Amendment. Take a minute to watch this interview of Frank on The Today Show that was done just before he passed away.

World Cup VS College Football

Soccer, or futbol as the fans call it, is the most popular sport in the world. That's why I think we as Americans are some of the finest members of society because we couldn't give a RATS ASS about it. The more ESPN and my hipster friends try to persuade me that "Soccer is intense" or "Just stay awake until the game is over" the less interested I become. I'm the exact same way with bands people say I would like...chances are if I've made it 27 years thinking U2 blows, you aren't going to win me over with their latest album full of Bono's self-righteous garbage.

But aside from how boring soccer is, or the fact it's totally gay that the clock winds UP instead of down, and that even when time is up they continue to play from magic time the ref pulls out of his magic time bag...I just have zero interest in even attempting to be a fan because I don't want to BE a soccer fan. Same goes for NASCAR.

A friend of mine stated that the World Cup > College Football Bowl Series.

I have no interest in getting into a playoffs debate, and the two are run differently, but I disagreed if nothing else because it's a personal preference. I contest that I would rather sit and watch Georgia Tech play DeVry in the Humanitarian Bowl than sit through the final match of World Cup Soccer.

I find it to be THAT boring.

Now, Hamp Tanner took me to task on this saying the mere Schadenfreude factor would make watching Tech entertaining...and I'll credit him that. Also, I'm well aware that the ACC is no longer associate with the Roadies Humanitarian Bowl so our little brothers from North Avenue won't have the opportunity to play in Boise, Idaho in the bitter cold of winter...but Hamp was right, it was fun to see Tech on smurf turf.
SHOWIN' TULSA WHO'S BOSS, BITCHES!

But aside from Tech's 3-8 bowl record FAIL from the last 11 years, I would venture to say I have more interest in watching the first bowl game of Bowl Season than the last World Cup match-up of Soccer Season. There, end of story.

All you soccer fans can go back to being racist, hooligans who kill each other and riot...and us college football fans will go back to civilized American life...except LSU fans, they're probably more like the soccer fans.

We'll just sit in our air conditioned non-leanto houses and enjoy soccer the best way we know how...by laughing at guys getting kicked in the nuts!






WINNERS! THE WHOLE MESSA YA!

Roger Waters: The Wall Tour

I'm a HUGE Pink Floyd fan. I've been a fan ever since I was in middle school and played little league baseball. How am I able to trace it back to little league baseball? My wife LOVES this story...

One day at baseball practice, I notice one of my teammates mom (whom I thought was HAWT) was wearing a Dark Side of the Moon t-shirt...yep...my love for Pink Floyd started because I bought an album based on the fact my friend's hot mom was wearing their shirt. But that's the shallow side of the story, once I bought the CD I listened all the way through and recognized 4 songs I'd heard from Z93's rotation (R.I.P. Z93) but didn't know the band.
Hey DaveFM, BITE ME.

That record had a listenability that was unique...you didn't put it on to listen to one individual song, you wanted to listen to the whole album start>finish. That was my first brush with concept albums and I was hooked. Pink Floyd immediately became MY band and I've been a huge fan ever since...well...ever since I found out how crappy their last 2 albums were.

How in the world could this incredible band who changed the way I listen to music produce such a poor product?!? The answer lies in the voice that is noticeably missing from those last 2 albums. Roger Waters had left the band.

For those who don't know much about Pink Floyd (or their following) this is a point of contention among the fanbase. Ford fans and Chevy fans, Georgia fans and Tech fans, Coke fans and Pepsi fans, Roger Waters fans and David Gilmour fans. The band split in the mid-80's because Roger Waters left due to the rest of the band not contributing anything worthwhile to the records...can you tell which side I took?

But I've bought all of Roger Waters' solo albums and seen him the last 2 times he came to Atlanta (1999 and 2006) on tour. To me Roger Waters is the voice and creative genius of Pink Floyd's greatest work, and he's on tour again this year.

November 18th at Philips Arena, you can catch what might be the last great rock & roll theatrical experience. He's touring The Wall which is available as an album, a film, or a live performance.

If you are a fan of classic rock, and you haven't experienced this, I strongly urge you to shell out and buy The Wall. You'll be a better person for it and chances are you'll be interested in catching the show in November after a few listens.

You can learn more about the tour at www.rogerwaters.com and if you're looking for show tickets, check out Lava Tickets if you want great seats. Now that I'm gainfully employed and can afford it, I'm flying down to Tampa for the show and THEN coming back up to Atlanta where I've landed 10th row floor seats.

I know the musicians look tacky in this...but it was 1990, I'm pretty sure they've dropped the leather pants and mullets 20 years later.

...AND WE'RE BAAAAACK!!1

So I've been out for a while. I've gone on vacation, survived some nasty malware on my laptop, and worked my tail off in the past 3 weeks. But it couldn't have come at a better time because it's football off-season and with the exception of the occassional food challenge post (see KFC DoubleDown) that's my blog's primary focus.

Just because it's off season doesn't mean there isn't news going on. We, as SEC football fans, are very similar to East Cobb housewives. They don't have REAL stress because they aren't working...so instead they take the next biggest deal and blow it out of proportion just so they have a steady dose of drama in their life. (That would explain why they get hysterical about not having the snacks together for Junior's little league team...and nobody cares)

So Mettenberger tried his hand at the ladies (rimshot) and Logan Gray is 50/50 about sticking around to fair-catch punts. Does that leave us thin at QB? Yes, but the realist in me isn't expecting a cinderella season this year anyway. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect better than 8-5, but if I'm not mistaken (which I very well may be) Alabama lost to UL-Monroe after installing the 3-4...but look at 'em now (also I'm well-aware this was the first year after a coaching change so don't rip me to pieces on this).
"You will NOT bring that up again."

I still believe we've got the players and the personnel to compete for the East, but of all the stuff to fret about, the fact that football season is still 4 months away is more scary to me. The annual relinquishing of sanity will commence as usual following the MLB All-Star Game in July.

Gators Don't Actually Wear Jean Shorts...

...APRIL FOOLS!

image courtesy of Gator Tailgating.

OMG WTF IZ ON A-MURRZ HAYUND!?!?

...welcome to spring football news in the South.

Perhaps we should check with new QB's Coach Papadapolis for an explanation.

Football Nightmare

I had a REALLY bad dream last night. I dream that UGA Football opened the season against Wofford at Sanford Stadium and we lost 44-42. We lost because our Special Teams play was absolutely AWFUL! We couldn't cover returns whatsoever and it was like watching all your hopes and dreams come crashing down in EMBARRASSING defeat.

...isn't that pleasant?

Well, don't worry because I've never really been one to have prophetic dreams. If so, this whole terrorism nonsense would have been handled a while back when I first started having John Mclane style hero dreams.

For the record, in those dreams I single-handedly defeat the Russians, save my wife from her Ruskie captors, AND prevent The Pier in St. Petersburg, FL from being blown to pieces.
I'M A M-EFFIN' STUUUUUUUUD!

Mackie's Guide to the Oscars: Part I

Since my guides to the Academy Awards were so wildly popular last year I've decided to fill the posting void with my reviews of the Oscar Nominated Best Pictures for this year. The term "wildly popular" used loosely, similar to how filing taxes each year is wildly popular.

So the Oscars are coming up and if you're anything like me you saw UP! and thought about seeing Avatar or had your parents tell you what a great movie The Blind Side was every time you visited. So you're pretty hip, eh? Well...not so much.

That's where I come in.

The purpose of this post is to update you on all the awesome movies you had no interest in seeing this year that Hollywood people think you should think are great.

It should hardly matter I haven't seen/heard of them either, but I've always been able to read people well so surely I can provide a ballpark idea of plot/storyline to continue making the readers of BloggingPantsless the most informed readers out there...(and stop calling me Shirley.)

So you best prep yourself for a SPOILER ALERT!!1 because there's no un-learning these endings once I drop the knowledge on you.

#1. Up in the Air

The WORST BATMAN EVER stars in this ROM/COM/DRAM about a guy who likes to fly around the world and be a douche. Just kidding, that's George Clooney's bio. But seriously, the guy from Oceans 11, 12, and 13 flies around the world and his job is to fire people at their respective jobs. He's a professional "lay-er off-er" which you would think makes him a great, big asshole (great casting btw). But Up in the Air gives us a view into the softer side of people who fly around the world and fire people as a profession...which I have yet to run into anyone with that as a job but I don't doubt it exists because otherwise they wouldn't have made a movie about it.

We see Everett O'Brother's softer side and watch him deal with loneliness (because obviously a man with looks that could make your grandma's panties drop deals with being alone often) and a job he is hated for having. IMDB also says Alan from The Hangover is in this movie so you better expect a lot of drug-humor, infant abuse, and facial hair.


#2. District 9

I gotta admit, I'm a little shady on the details of this one so I'm gonna make something up. I remember this movie having something to do with illegal aliens so I'm gonna put 2 and 2 together and say it's about Congressman Nathan Deal (*RIMSHOT!). HOLY BALLS look at the gun in that picture!

So Nathan Deal is a plasma-gun totin' renegade Congressman from Georgia's 9th District. He's on a mission from God to round up all the illegal aliens and put them in a bus back to Mexico...'cause they're Mexicans.

...and he's got a BIG GUN! BYEW, BYEW, BYEEEEEEW!!!1


#3. Precious

A friend of mine actually paid money to go see this and said he wanted to hang himself with the elastic in his underwear. So anyway, Precious is a movie about an obese, illiterate, black girl, who gets pregnant from her father (twice), is abused by her mother, has AIDS, and ...I'm sorry...who the hell would pay to see this?!? It's like someone said "Hey let me make a movie where nothing good happens to the main character and it's not Meet the Parents."

Instead of paying $9 to see this; cash your $9 into nickels, fill a pillow case with said change, dip the pillow case full of nickels into rubbing alcohol, and hit yourself in the face with it repeatedly...you'll get the same sensation as actually sitting though this nightmare of a "Best Picture"...Ppppptttttt.


#4. A Serious Man
...I'm assuming this went straight to video because I've never even heard of this film.

But A Serious Man is a black comedy (meaning it's satirical, not that it's like Soul Plane) by the Coen Brothers. If it's anything like No Country For Old Men you're guaranteed to hate it. But A Serious Man is probably a movie about a guy no one wants to hang out with. Women, gay dudes, and most pets find him intolerable due to the fact he is so frickin' serious all the time. He really needs to lighten up, so in a perfect world the Coen Brothers pair him up with the revisited role of Bud Macintosh played by, none other than, PAULY FRIGGIN' SHORE!

So the serious man and Bud Macintosh go on a road-trip together and look for a toilet stop in what they believe is a shopping mall, which in fact turns out to be a a closed ecological system which is a government funded environmental experiment sealed for 1 year. They accidentally get trapped in this "bio-dome" and hijinx ensue! They learn to rely on each other and the environment and when a year's time passes the serious man emerges from the experiment completely evolved into a cool guy. Men want him, and women want to be him...you read that right, being trapped for 1 year with Pauly Shore turned the serious man into a total homosexual. Rent it today, BIODOME 2: A Serious Man.



Stay tuned, we've got more reviews coming later this week ...maybe.

Da'Rick Rogers, Volunteer.

From what we are all hearing, Da'Rick Rogers switched commitments from UGA to Tennessee.

Does it suck to lose a great WR prospect? Yes.

Does it suck to lose him to a conference rival? Yes.

Does it suck that said rival is Tennessee? Abso-frickin'-lutely.

But you know what sucks even more? Having a bunch of Georgia fans (the term "fan" used loosely) harassing the kid for his decision via Twitter, Facebook, etc...

We wanted him, we didn't get him, water under the bridge. You burn furniture when your head coach skips town, not when a 17 year old boy doesn't want to be on your football team.

Da'Rick doesn't have to worry about sports writers, UGA bloggers, or Georgia fans in general...and he sure as hell doesn't have to worry about what douchebags like Jeffrey Johnson think of him.

The only people Da'Rick Rogers has to worry about crossing paths with are this guy now...


...and this guy later.


Save your worries for the Fall. Tomorrow is about celebrating who wants to be a part of our program. Good luck to the kids signing with their respective teams tomorrow, and may the best team win.

Go Dawgs!

Oh Artie, How the Mighty Have Fallen

Completely unrelated to football, but I saw this story and couldn't help but feel disappointed.

Bob Saget's comic masterpiece, Dirty Work, came out when I was in high school.

That movie made me laugh for years after and was one of the often quoted jokes among friends even through college. Though I haven't been a fan of anything Artie Lang has done since then (especially his heroin addiction), I always remember him as Sam McKenna from Dirty Work.

That's why it's sad (for me) to hear he tried to kill himself recently. He's obviously got some demons he needs to work out in his life, but stabbing himself 9 times is an indication he needs some help.

Here's hoping Artie gets his life together and this whole event makes him appreciate the kind of talent he is capable of. In honor of the greatness of Mr. Lang, here's a clip from Dirty Work.

UGA's next DC will beeeeeee....

Face it Dawg fans...we have no idea what's going on. We've been speculating for nearly a month and the only people we're 100% sure of are the ones who signed contracts with their respective schools. Everyone and their grandmother has an "inside man" or "knows someone in the Athletic Department" but clearly Joe Schad's Twitter feed is Teh Word of God when it comes to breaking DC news...(thanks, I'll be here all week, tip your waitress).

So, if the endless speculation is as pointless to you as it is to me, please enjoy today's piece on whom I want our next DC to be from the Hollywood School of Football Pissing Excellence.

My 3rd Choice:
Kevin O'Shea (Ed O'Neill), from the film Little Giants



Qualifications:
Heisman Trophy winner, has NFL experience, has been coaching the Pee-Wee Cowboys from Urbania,Ohio since the late 80's. Also he was a star at Polk High (where he scored 4 touchdowns in one game)...oh wait.

Summary:
Coach O'Shea is the tough-as-nails coach who isn't afraid to make tough decisions...such as cutting girls from the team. He constantly recruits the best players and coaches them to pee-wee championships. He's only lost once (in 1994)to his brother, Danny O'Shea, and that occurred when Danny had illegal players AND lied to parents (saying he was the famous Coach O'Shea). The O'Shea family has close ties to former NFL talent like Emmitt Smith, Steve Emtman, and Bruce Smith. He also would have the ability to snag quality recruits with his ties to John Madden.

Though Coach O'Shea has little to no experience in the SEC coaching defenses, I think his overall resume speaks for itself. Plus since everyone (except me, Sweetie) is enamored with hot wives (ie, Mrs. Lane Kiffin), check out who Coach O'Shea is married to!



My 2nd Choice:
Farmer Fran (Blake Clark), from the film The Waterboy.



Qualification:
Coached Defense at South Central Louisiana State University. His defense led the team to a Bourbon Bowl victory back in 1998.

Summary:
Face it, angry Cajun's are scary. If we want fire to Coach Richt's ice he would be the perfect fit. We applaud Erk Russell's intensity for knocking heads with his players. If Farmer Fran is as unstable as every other swamp-dwelling Cajun I've met, our players would be motivated with fear. Fear of getting their hands dipped in his bubbling turkey fryer, or possibly watching Coach Fran pull a knife on someone. As much as I thought Willie was prone to Epic Failing, when his boys did good it was fun to watch him jump into their arms on the sideline...imagine how great it would be to see Coach Farmer Fran on the sidelines doing this little celebration at the Cocktail Party!


My #1 choice:
Coach Bud Kilmer (Jon Voight), from the film Varsity Blues

Qualifications:
Coached the West Canaan Coyotes to a WHOPPING 23 Division Titles. Starred in this montage video I found set to Joe Esposito's "You're the Best Around" from the Karate Kid Soundtrack...
SOMEBODY GIVE THAT MAN A CONTRACT!

Summary:
Yes, I know Coach Foster is a polarizing figure in the world of football. He's pretty cut-throat when it comes to winning, but again...the guy would be an excellent fire to the previously mentioned "ice" scenario. His level of intensity ranges from comments like, "Cry me a river, you fat f#$%ing baby!" to actually attempting to strangle one of his players (Jonathan Moxon, class of 1999).

Plus he used to drive a convertible LeBaron...

Oh...J-O-H-N? ...nevermind.

2 Cents, Too Late

I've been soaking in the reaction from last Saturday's game. You'll get no argument from me that Georgia could/should have beat LSU, and for the most part, many of us have come to terms and moved on.

Though what could have been would rank right up there with "70 X Takeoff"

I have nothing new to bring to the table, every argument that could be made has been made against those responsible. But the only thing I offer is a message of patience to the Dawg Nation.

A bitter pill to swallow is the concept of Georgia having a "down year". I know it and you know it, but it's damn near impossible for an SEC team to go completely undefeated. Since I've been born it's only happened 4 times (Alabama '92, Auburn '93, Tennessee '98, and Auburn '04)...but I will readily admit the game has changed a lot since 1982.

So hold your heads high Dawg fans. Many of us found it hard to accept that "analysts" thought Georgia might have a down year after losing 2 early first rounders (that comprised a lot of our team's identity). The thought of not having a (gasp) 10 win season under Mark Richt wasn't an option and we just knew Georgia would prove them wrong.

What has become of these feelings is a recipe of equal parts: poor play calling, poor executing, and just a dash of playing up/down to the level of our opponents. Yeah it sucks having a flag thrown after what could be a game-winning touchdown...but what sucks WAAAAAY more is only having 2 quarters of offense when the other team clearly showed up to play 4. We've had several lucky breaks in our 5 games this year, but I think the luckiest of all came at halftime last Saturday when we went to the locker room only down by 6 points (does the Alabama Blackout game ring a bell?)

You shouldn't be complacent with our team and coaching staff because I think complacency turns you into Vanderbilt. Unless he starts molesting small children* you won't find me calling for Coach Richt's head anytime soon. I was young but I remember Ray Goff and Jim Donnan and do you think for one SECOND they wouldn't have killed for a string of 10 win seasons?!? Obviously changes aren't going to happen mid season and you also worry about how the recruits feel if the guy who talked them into coming to Georgia gets fired. Depending on how the season pans out I think it's reasonable to expect a change in personnel early next Spring, but I doubt you'll find an earth-shattering shake-up in the organization because that's not how Mark Richt leads.

The way we've been playing isn't acceptable, but the games we won and the games we've lost have to be because we can't change the outcome. What we can hope for is our team recognizing mistakes and acting upon them. David Hale already showed us Willie is capable of making adjustments and it showed at the start of the 3rd against LSU. So if you can have me praising Willie Martinez then everyone else should be more than capable of getting their $#!t together.

I don't like losing games but I do like the size of the fight in our Dawgs. They've got the heart to take on giants and if a Tebow-less Gator team can get beaten by LSU we're still in the race for the East. Not to mention it would show we're losing to quality competition which eases the pain ever so slightly.

So leave the pity party early and set your sights on Knoxville. It's a concrete jungle where teeth aren't valued and the women lack chin-lines. Our defense should shine against a Crompton-led offense but Joe & Co. need to get some points on the board with regularity this week. It'll be a 12pm game on the SEC Network for those of us with weak stomachs, but getting a win in Knoxville would go a long way toward lifting our spirits and putting yet another nail in the coffin that is Tennessee's football season.

It hasn't been a dream season so far but we're a long way from out of this thing. Any wins over Tennessee, Florida (it's possible), Auburn, and Tech are always fun and I'm still waiting for a quality win to make an illegal highlight video. We almost had it against LSU, but I've got high hopes for us in Tennessee. Plus another loss for the Volunteers means a great addition for your middle schooler's Summer Reading List in 2010.
A bit of a stretch, but I'll take the laughs where I can get them.




*just to clarify I don't believe Coach Richt would ever molest children or do anything so heinous he loses his job and causes a media scandal. Tebow might be the second coming, but last time I check the Bible had multiple Timothy's but only one Mark...BOOM, roasted.

Hindsight: 25 Things

Looking back at my preview of Auburn from yesterday, I feel nothing if not utter repulsion at my complete lack of quality information. Not that anyone cares that much about Auburn anyway, but stating Auburn's QB issue will come down to two guys as late as the season opener...then learning the decision has already been made and it was neither of the two guys you thought...that's pretty damn bad!

Since I pride myself on my lack of pride, I figured I would provide you with a list of 25 things that will go down in history as being better than my Auburn Preview:

1. New Coke

2. Saying Oasis is superior to The Beatles

3. Any television show that centers around baking cakes.

4. Michael Jordan's Baseball Career

5. Coins that are worth $1.

6. Colors of ketchup that aren't red

7. Hawaii Chair


8. Sports that can end with ties.

9. The Episode of All in the Family where Edith dies.

10. Reggie Ball, starting QB.

11. The availability of spandex in sizes >medium.

12. FOX covering any sport, ever.

13. Any sequel of this film.

14. Greenlighting any show starring Andy Dick or Kathy Griffith.

15. That time I went to the wrong theatre to see Men in Black


16. Van Halen III

17. Spray-on Hair

18. the theory of Global Warming(...yep, went there)

19. Fish sandwiches

20. Sony Minidisc

21. Scheduling Dragon Con on the same day as Tech's season opener.

22. Dunkin' Donuts

23. Minute 3:38 of this video...


24. The Designated Hitter Rule.

25. The 18th Amendment.

So just to clear the air, I can readily admit I was sloppy on my preview. I'm not going to redo it simply because I don't think the outcome will change...so, I mean really, why bother?

Journalistic integrity is for integral journalists, I prefer to view Blogging Pantsless as The Onion of Georgia Sports. Never to be taken seriously, but just realistic enough to throw off the elderly.

Pantsless Preview: Part III of IIIIIIIIII (10)

9.19.2009 - Arkansas (Away)

Last year, Patrino's Pigs beat Western Illinois and Louisiana Monroe by a grand total of 5 points...combined...for both games.

That same team later went on to beat LSU and Auburn by a grand total of 4 points...combined...for both games.

I think we'll all drink to LSU and Auburn being down on their luck in 2008...but being able to rub it in Alabama's face that you beat ULM by 1 isn't really getting the praise piled on you.

So what the hell are we supposed to make out of Arkansas?!?
Here's something to make of it, the first loss of our 2009 football season.

To put this claim into perspective I'll share a list of other things I'm equally as confident in:

-Jon & Kate announce they're working it out tonight...for the kids.

-Once you get past the stank, Indian food is actually quite delicious.

-Women who sound like Macho Man Randy Savage probably don't smoke.

-This is acceptable to wear in public.

-...these too.

-Nickleback has an album that doesn't suck balls.

-The boys at Georgia Tech are capable of picturing a woman naked in their imagination without tentacles present.

-There are benefits to cocaine.

-Our tax dollars are being used in the most efficient and cost-effective manner possible.

-Seeing this with my wife won't make me want to hang myself in the theater.

Bottom line, I have no idea what to make of Arkansas. Some people think this is the year Petrino gets all his boys on the same page, others think they're still a year or two away. But I have been burned so many times by Georgia trying to cakewalk through their mid-to-lower SEC schedule that I can't help but think the stars will align for Arkansas. On the otherhand, Arkansas does have quite the "Oh-fer" record against us in the last 14 years* (last win came in '93 in Athens).

In Coach Goff's defense, he was out-coached by the legendary Danny Ford.

I don't think Arkansas has anything special this year, but I think they catch a travel-weary UGA team with their pants down in a game we should have won...but didn't. Plus if I set myself up for failure, it'll hurt less when it actually happens. (That means I will be assuming UGA goes 1-13 on their way to winning the 2009 National Championship.)

Arkansas has an uber-fast RB in Michael Smith, go here and fastforward to the :47 second mark. If you think our infamous shoulder-tackles will stop this kid...you're a moron. Transfer QB Ryan Mallett is a 6'7" hoss, but he's still relatively green and his O-Line might be better suited to protect a D-III quarterback. If Willie is hungry, he'll have his plate full but we've got to put Mallett on his back a few times. I'm counting on Demarcus Dobbs to throw that big meaty paw up in the air and knock some passes down too. Between that and stopping Michael Smith we should find out if we are men or...men shaped mice in this game.

The upside:

Their defense should be the biggest weak spot. If Joe Cox still wants to put up some large numbers, he'll get his chance here. AJ Green should have a field day, but anytime the football isn't tucked safely under the pads of someone with a bigass "G" on their helmet it's up for grabs. In other words, it'd be nice to have Caleb, Richard, or Carlton step up and give us some quality runs.

My final call is Arkansas 27, Dawgs 24. They will have played Missouri State and taken a "bye" week over the same span of time we've traveled to Stillwater for Okie State, back to Athens for SCU, then back out again to Fayetteville (for a grand total of 2,620 miles by the 3rd week). It sucks, and I hate to lose...but I'm being a realist here and I think this is the first loss of the season.

If nothing else, take comfort in knowing a team with 1 loss has nothing to lose in regards to playing any undefeated counterparts.

LSU? YOU AIN'T SO BAD! Florida? YOU AIN'T SO BAD!
Rocky got his mouth shut once by Clubber Lang. Once. And it never happened again.





*That sounds a lot better than it actually is, we've only played 5 times since then but they haven't won in 14 years so I'll go with the wording which makes us sound better.

Pantsless Preview: Part II of IIIIIIIIII (10)

9.12.2009 - South Carolina (Home)


If I was to dress up like a Hasidic Jew and take a stroll through downtown Tehran, I might still have a better time than I had in Columbia, SC last year.

If you were one of the fortunate few to make a long-ass drive to a boring-ass warehouse district on a hot-ass day to watch a pathetic-ass game AND you found a gas station that didn't charge $7/gallon (limit 5 gallons) on the ride home...then you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.

Just their luck, the USC fans get to come to our campus where trees abound and the occasional breeze and/or cloud blows through. Their fans should consider this an "Away Game" as much as I should consider my trip to Disney this September as "5 Consecutive Sick Days"...it looks tough on paper, but you know they're looking forward to it.

We will be making a long trip home after our 34-10 victory in Stillwater, riding a media wave of "WHERE DID THESE GUYS COME FROM?!?!?" ...which we couldn't need LESS.

CFN doesn't tell us anything we don't already know, that USC has been a picture of mediocrity since the OBC took over. They predict the same song & dance for the offense, but sophomore QB Stephen Garcia could possibly develop into an excellent QB in the next year or two. Unfortunately another year wiser doesn't make a competent offensive line appear out of nowhere. As we all know, you can have a superstar QB...but without protection he's fertilizer.

They're defense might be their strong suit which will come as a change for our boys from the previous week. Since 2000 (with the exception of blowout victories in 2003 & 2006) the average margin of victory has been...get this...5 1/2 pts. We can poor-mouth their offensive prowess until the sun goes down, but until we can guarantee a touchdown+ against these visor wearing goons they're going to keep hanging with us and get the occasional victory.

So USC comes to an amped up Sanford Stadium for a night game September 12th. To us it'll be like playing a mid-level SEC team...which is what it is. To the Gamecock's it's the Iron Bowl - East. They care about beating us WAAAAAY more than we care about beating them...which sucks. I'm just as guilty of it as the rest of you, but I don't see this as LSU, Florida, or Auburn. However, it's the mindset that "Oh it's just South Cackalacky" that drives me freakin' nuts when it comes down to the final play in the 4th as time expires. They play with a passion we used to only reserve for Georgia Tech, so we better have our @#$% straight.

Final call? Georgia wins a nail-biter 14-10 and time expires as Stephen Garcia throws a Hail Mary from mid-field.

Here's the vid from last years game. It'll really make you wish we had #24 out there, but make no mistakes about it AJ Green will have a career day against their pass defense. If nothing else seeing Spurrier's sideline mannerisms is worth listening to Journey for 5 minutes.

We'll need pinpoint accuracy from Joe Cox to seal the deal. It'll be your typical ugly UGA/USC early season game but Dawgs will be 2-0 when we visit Patrino's Pigs out in Arkansas.

Pantsless Preview: Part I of IIIIIIIIII (10)

9.5.2009 - Okie State (Away)

They don't smoke marijuana in Muskogee, but they've been known to smoke unprepared defenses in Stillwater. The AP has us entering this game as #16 playing #13 Oklahoma State. Like I said I'll be taking preseason rankings with a grain of salt but that doesn't mean I should completely ignore them.

This will officially be the farthest distance I've ever traveled for a UGA football game (New Orleans 2008 drops into second). It gets said every time we start off with a big boy, this is the most important game of the year. It will set the tone for the remainder of a long and grueling season of SEC football. Few of us know much about Okie State other than they will be stacked on returning Offense and at one time their coach was 40.

Here is my completely one-sided, horse-squeeze prediction for UGA/OSU:

Final Score - UGA 34, Okie State 10...seriously.

Here's why, OSU has our attention right now especially with a higher ranking. I'll be the first to admit the Dawgs have a HORRIBLE habit of going into mid-level difficulty games with a gameplan of playing half-assed football (see Vandy, South Carolina, etc...) but we tend to show up for the (non-ACC) OOC games with a different mindset because they are a different breed. Boise State had our attention going into 2005 and we had the same questions yet to be answered.

The Cowboys have an offense that will be looking to put us away early, but it ain't gonna happen. Willie Martinez is ready to shut people up...and as much Hell as I've given him in the past I've got a gut feeling this will be the year he gets our boys in line and they perform the way we recruited them to perform. Just look to last years film minus WR d'Juan Woods to see what we have to stop. Our big boys will be ready, Willie's livelihood depends on it.

On Defense the Cowboys will have some serious question marks. Here are the words straight from mrorange from the Orange Power messageboards...

Our defense pretty much stunk last year, but we've got a new DC that should hopefully stop someone every once in a while. We had a good d-line last year, but most of them graduated. You could call it our most glaring weakness. Our secondary was iffy last year, but we played a lot of young players that have hopefully gotten better. Our linebackers should be really good, although legal issues may prevent one of our best defenders from playing. I'm still unsure about our corners; we got burned way too many times last year for me to get super excited about them.

...now THAT is what I like to hear. A vote of No-Confidence from the Cowboy faithful means there might be some serious problems to exploit. Here is the Dawg mindset for this. Joe Cox has been Led Zeppelin playing second ticket to Pink Floyd (Matthew Stafford) for the last 3 years. Both players are incredibly awesome but for two completely different reasons. Matthew is now out of the picture making money in a city where people don't make money (...other than Vegas) and it's Joe's time in the limelight. If my knowledge of red-headed stereotypes serves me right Joe Cox is the kind of guy who will hold a grudge and get fired up when he's challenged on his level of competence.

By our second possession, Joe Cox will have a good understanding of OSU's defense and he'll smell blood in the water. He will do anything and everything to get the football in the endzone because he's got a chip the size of T. Boone's bankroll on his shoulder. When it's all said and done, the score will 34-10 and just like Zeppelin Joe Cox will be beating his critics with a mudshark.


I'd look for UGA to put up some big numbers and get our hopes up for a great season before tragedy strikes in a subsequent game...you'll have to keep checking back to see which ones I think we drop. If there is any good to come out of this game for the Okie State faithful, it will be that T. Boone doesn't have to fly his solar powered helicopter too far after a crushing defeat. Hopeless optimism? Overly confident? Call it what you will, but Mackie's looking to start the season with a quality win.

Who knows, we've still got 2.5 months, something could happen that makes this a whole new ballgame.

Be the voice of reason here, tell me why I'm wrong.

UPDATE:
I'm a moron and did a copy & paste job of MRORANGE from a OSU messageboard from 2 years ago...the good news? Apparently things haven't changed too much! Try this article for a more up to date idea of the OSU defense. It's a damn good thing I claim no journalistic integrity, otherwise people would question my viability...HAHAHAHAHA!!!1

But if you want a serious professional's assessment of OSU, peep this.

What's Going On...

So last night at softball The Goat called me out for not posting in a while. In fact, he went so low as to refer to my blog as Blogging Worthless. So here is an update for what has been happening in college football for the last two weeks.

-Lane Kiffin said something stupid, then denied saying it.

-Urban Meyer pointed and stared at someone.

-Gene Chizik bought spinning hubcaps for his limo.

-Steve Spurrier regretted leaving Florida for the Redskins.

-Dan Mullen regretted leaving Florida for Mississippi State.

-Bobby Johnson went ascot shopping, he also purchased a dashing new brandy sniffer.

-Mark Richt prayed for someone.

-Rich Brooks reminded someone of Coach Bud Kilmer from Varsity Blues.

-Nick Saban is trying to refi the second mortgage he took out on his soul.

-Les Miles attempted to draw up a play involving 3 QBs, 2 Punters, and 6 Wide Receivers.

-Bobby Petrino reminded someone he is still coaching football...no not at Louisville...or Atlanta.

-Houston Nutt rubbed his hands together, gave a sly smile, and said "Yeeeees, yeeeeeeeeeeessssssss."

So there you have it, not much news but hey...

I'M ON A BOAT!

In the year 2000.....

If you thought life sucked when you were able to read my thoughts once or twice a day, your life just got a whole lot suckier!

Much like when your father joined Facebook and tried to befriend you, me joining Twitter signifies a significant drop in the coolness of the program. After I linked Coach Richt's Twitter account last week and was notified that all the cool kids have been Tweeting for a while now I finally jumped on the bandwagon!

Follow me here!

Since I'm new to Twitter it'll most likely take me a week or so to be moderately competent, so we'll see how this works out.

I admit I tried to search myself and typed in "BPMackie". If you think my blog is offensive, check out what Twitter thinks I meant to search for!


...in defense of all Southerners, I guarantee you I DID NOT mean that!

I warned you.

It's time to start scraping the bottom of my creative barrel.

SEC East Headcoaches as fastfood restaurants.

#1. Coach Steven Spurrier

This one is quite possibly the most obvious of the pack. Spurrier is McDonalds because he's old as hell and only poor people like him.


#2. Coach Mark Richt

Coach Richt would most likely be Chick-Fil-A. Good quality and a solid Christian foundation, sound familiar? Also, whether you want to admit it or not (as far as fast-food goes) your wife finds him delicious.


#3. Coach Bobby Johnson

Bobby Johnson will be represented by Arbys. Slightly more class than other restaurants, and the Vanderbilt faithful can use their ascots to wipe the extra horsey sauce off their chin. You never really pay much attention to Arbys until you take in too much and it rips you a new one. Then you try to forget the experience until a few years down the road it happens again.


#4. Coach Lane Bryant...I mean Kiffin...Kiffin.

New Tennessee coach, Lane Kiffin will be represented by Fatburger. Fatburger is a relatively new burger franchise from California who thinks it is ready to take on the bigboy burger chains but has yet to establish anything in Tennessee. No seriously they don't have any locations in Tennessee and have failed to dominate any of the surrounding Southeast states so far...hmm...interesting.


#5. Coach Rich Brooks

Coach Brooks will be represented by Cracker Barrel. While not technically fast food, is Kentucky even technically a football school?!? Anyway, Coach Brooks is old, crotchety, and loves a good veggie plate. He eats dinner at 4:00pm anyways so give me one good reason why he shouldn't be Cracker Barrel.


#6. Corch Irvin Meyers

I was really hoping to find a San Fransisco based Queer Burger or something to that effect but no such luck. Instead Corch Meyers will be represented by Five Guys. Those little burger joints that have been popping up and dominating the state of Georgia for the past few years??? That's Five Guys. You better take notice Chick-Fil-A, we're in an all out war here and it's time to get back on track! The more Five Guys start popping up around here the more highschool phenoms are going to get sucked into their glitz and glamour! Sure you only order a small fry but after they've got your to-go order ready they put A WHOLE 'NOTHER ADDITIONAL SCOOP OF FRIES IN THE BAG TO FILL SPACE!!! What the crap kind of trick is this?!?! It's time to wake up kids! Don't you see what this man is doing will leave you with nothing more than a knowledge of Spread Offense and a gigantic muffintop?!? If nothing else newspaper clippings of self-praise will adorn the walls of your building and any horse$h*t speeches you make will be immortalized in plaques for others to see how great you think you are. Meanwhile I swear I'm gonna be pissed if this crap doesn't turn around soon. I hate you Corch Meyers, I hate you.


...alrighty!

Tune in next time for the SEC West coaches! If you completely disagree with my analysis of headcoaches please feel free to let me know which restaurant you believe better coincides with said coach. Otherwise, take this as the gospel and never dispute it.

Important Dates

Just so you know:

28 more days until G-Day.

176 more days until Kickoff in Stillwater.

...these can't come soon enough.