...never gets old.

Herschel Walker Cuyler Them Dawgs Is Hell Don't They

Gators Don't Actually Wear Jean Shorts...

...APRIL FOOLS!

image courtesy of Gator Tailgating.

Happy Halloween!

...from Concussion Tebow.







So I went dressed as Concussion Tebow for my church's Trunk or Treat yesterday. Overall I'd say it slayed. I only got called sacrilegious by one guy (who was an older Gator anyway) but he might have been referring to a testicle that may have popped out as I bent over to tie my shoe.

I got numerous compliments especially from a little kid who yelled out "Tebow wears jean shorts!" when he came to my truck. BTW any kid who yells anti-Florida rhetoric will get extra candy and bonus points from me.

The best part of the day was when a lady came up and said, "Mackie I thought you were a Georgia fan?" Apparently my costume was SO GOOD, she wasn't able to tell the difference between a Bulldog mocking the stereotype of Tim Tebow...and a real Florida fan.

Think of that when you dress like a zombie and don't hear "I didn't know you were the living dead?!?"

Finally to wrap this up, I wanted to let you know not a single penny went toward Florida Gator merchandise. I bought a plain blue sweatshirt from Wal-Mart, cut the sleeves off, and used iron-on graphics I printed off the interwebs. The jorts were made from blue jeans I had from highschool (plus a few washings to get the fray just right).

The only thing I lacked was a surgeon's mask and little bits of Phillipeno foreskin scattered about my jersey...then again, it's football season and it's hard to break away from not actually breaking Herschel Walker's record.

Halfbaked Harvin

...apparently our defense wasn't the only thing he smoked.

My assumption is the university will have this added next to Tebow's speech plaque.

Innerview with the Enemy

I tried to contact a few Gator and Bama blogs about doing these "innerviews", but I realized the probably check their blog email as often as I do. So faced with a deadline I decided to look elsewhere. Therefore we're getting a couple of classy students from each university to entertain me.

First up on the dockett, representing the Denim-nation of Florida University, a young housewife from Gainesville, FL who goes by the name, Fake TT!

-Why will your team win this game?

Although Alabama’s defense is probably the best second best defense in the country (behind, dammit, Pete Carroll’s crew), their offense is quite lackluster. Meanwhile UF possesses wonderful teams on both sides of the ball. Add in the best special teams in the country, and the 10 point spread appears well justified.

-Why will your team lose this game?

I truly believe the Gators will be the superior team out there, but any superior team can lose if it turns the ball over. The only loss of the Gators season thus far was a product of five turnovers. Fortunately the dome setting assures there will be no weather issues.

-If your team’s coach was a tree, what kind of tree would he be? Why?

I’ll try to provide an equally silly response: Kelp, of course is a type of marine plant which grows in “underwater forests” (thank you for making this stretch plausible, Wikipedia) which I think represents Urban quite well. Why, you ask? Because kelp has the reputation of being able to grow more than a foot per day under ideal conditions, appropriate for the man who has built the fastest offense in the history of college football (I know you don’t think they’re as fast as that ’56 Notre Dame squad, but trust me.)

...points, stares.

-For each situation you only have 1 option, would you rather your team win or…
1. Have the pet of your choice live forever. UF win – Cloning is right around the corner

2. End world hunger. _UF win – what would we have to complain about?

3. Never know the feeling of throwing up again. UF win – I got used to throwing up when I went away to college?

4. Win the lottery (I’m talking powerball, not scratch-offs). UF Win – Hey, I’m 27 and still in school for a reason

5. Have Heath Ledger alive again to reprise his role as the Joker. (I stole this one from CH) UF Win – how many sequels of sequels have really been any good anyway?

6. Be assured you would die of old age (not a car crash or painful disease). UF Win – very boring life

7. Have your own personal sushi chef to impress your friends and fix you sushi whenever you wanted. UF Win – although I do love sushi

8. Be friends with me. Oh, Mackie, don’t make me decide
(THE ABOVE ANSWER IS ASSUMED TO MEAN BE FRIENDS WITH ME)

9. Have your favorite television show never get cancelled and always not suck. UF – please…

10. Never be too cold or too hot ever again. UF Win

-If your team wins, it is likely they will play for the National Championship. In a dream world, who would you like to be able to say you beat for the National Championship (assuming you don’t have a visceral hatred for Oklahoma)?
USC, not Oklahoma. In a dream world, UF would score 50 against the defense that Corso proclaims to be the best ever (which would then vault Bama’s defense to number 1… hmm, a nice consolation prize)

-How gay is it that Georgia lost to Tech last weekend? I mean really, be honest?
C’mon, man, you gotta represent the SEC. I mean, really, way to go Dawgs and Cocks for losing to the ACC.

-Who do you consider to be your school’s most famous alumni? If you could replace him/her with the celebrity, politician, artist of your choice whom would it be?
I suppose one of the most famous alumni of UF is Emmitt Smith.
Now, we'd really have to find a jack of all trades to replace the NFL's all-time leading rusher and, more importantly, champion of Dancing with the Stars. But again, just like cloning my pet, I'm sure in the future we can make a person out of Joe Montana, Brad Pitt, Mikhail Baryshnikov and Mother Teresa (for good measure, although I don't think she'd approve). I digress. I think I'd like to see Tiger Woods as an alumnus.

You read it here first, 100% of Gator fans interviewed would rather have Tiger Woods as an alumni than Mother Teresa.

-Early picks for next year, take into account your team’s loss of seniors/early draftees, what will be your team’s record and which bowl will they attend?
I feel pretty good that Monty Kiffin, the new head coach of the Vols, won’t have time to get it together up there in Knoxville (yes, I said Monty, in case you’re wondering, Lane will really just be the head recruiter). A Stafford/Moreno-less Georgia should be fairly mediocre, and therefore I think Florida has a nice road to the SEC championship game. I think they will face Bama again next year, especially due to the youth of both these teams. We’ve seen one and two loss teams make the national championship, so I think Florida will at least play in a BCS bowl next year. That’s as far as I’m going to take it.

-What will you be drinking as you watch the game on Saturday, any good luck traditions?
Just a little beer, I think. No good luck traditions, sorry.

-It’s pretty cold outside, eh?
Believe me, all us thin-blooded Floridians are sure glad this game is in a dome.

-In the year 2019 there will be another famous football player become a national embarrassment to his school (Example: Orenthal James Simpson early 90’s to USC), which current NCAA football player do you wish this to be? Why?
Sorry, Mackie, I’m not going with any Dawgs this time of year. I have a feeling Terrance Cody will end up being one of those guys who gets so fat he can’t leave his home. When inevitably he begins having health problems, they’ll have to tear down the wall to get to him and fly him out like a misplaced whale (however that happens). I certainly don’t wish this upon anyone, but I certainly see it as possible.

GO GATORS!

_______________________________________

Well, that was quite an insightful look into the denim-heart of a Gator fan.
Tomorrow we'll hear what the Crimson Tide faithful are thinking about the SECCG

Wesley Willis: Gator Hater

When not writing songs telling you to suck a doberman's hairy balls, he occupied himself with the "Cut the Mullett" campaign.



(h/t Ally at The Road to Copacetic)

Bud Light Presents: Real Men of Genius

Sending a little love to you, Mr. jean shorts inventor.



"We really love your jor-orts"

10 Questions with the Enemy

When I went to college I befriended a small group of Florida fans. I have chosen to highlight the weakness of our friendship by interviewing a few of them. I will try to post one interview daily until I run out of friends.

My questions are in bold, Gator responses follow.

Interviewee: Big Philly Style

Relationship: Fraternity Brother, got me my first job (which I left after 5 months), Beer Snob, Film Critic.

1. As a Bulldog, what’s going to make me crap my pants from this Florida team this Saturday?
The combination of Tim Tebow and Percy Harvin, Urban Meyer’s defensive plays overall, and Major Wright.

2. Who has been the biggest surprise of the Gator offense and defense so far?
Brandon Spikes and Major Wright. They have been both a defensive and offensive threat.

3. Which of the following films (Kindergarten Cop or Meet the Parents) has had a more profound effect on the man you are today, why?
Definitely Kindergarten Cop due to it being a social commentary on an Austrian who is thrown into a role to intimidate and punish kids. Who Is your daddy and what does he do?

4. If anything what will the Gators do (or not do) to lose this game?
I don’t want to jinx myself. Last year I was so confident, I bet a huge Dawg fan $20 that Florida would cream them. Obviously, I was wrong, and I will not make the same mistake this year.

5. If Urban Meyer was to plan a revenge for Georgia’s endzone celebration last year, what would you want it to be (don’t say winning the game…be creative).
Putting up the same numbers as say the Kentucky blow out last week would be revenge enough to overshadow any post game antics.
(obviously didn't get the "don't say winning" portion)

6. What would you rather have happen in each situation:

a. Georgia win this game or have your mom catch you watching beastiality porn?
How did you know about that?

b. Georgia win this game or catch your girlfriend making out with Matthew Stafford?
Tebow, ok, Stafford, no.

c. Georgia win this game or never know love?
I already know love, and I love Florida

d. Georgia win this game or become a vegetarian?
I don’t need meat, I’m no …

e. Georgia win this game or never be able to see color again?
I don’t see color, I’m no racist.

f. Georgia win this game or lose your pinky toe?
Don’t really need it.

7. What is Tim Tebow’s greatest weakness?
Knowing that Superman wears Tim Tebow pajamas.

8. If you could have one of Georgia’s players on Florida’s team who would it be?
This one is a no brainer Mackie….Knowshon Moreno.-he is quite talented.

9. Urban Meyer isn’t your coach and Ron Zook just got fired, which current D1 coach would you want as the new head Gator?
Steve Spurrier.

10. Seriously, what’s the deal with jean shorts?
Fashionable, yet comfortable. Seriously, there are a FEW at BOTH Florida AND Georgia games. What would you say is the UGA equivalent?
Camouflage

BONUS:

You are no longer a Gator fan, you’re new favorite college team is...
UGA (I am probably the only one.)

The State of Politics in Tennessee

Dear Tennessee:

Stop being crazy. Perhaps the fact it's a down year for the Vols has you turning your attention to politics, but please stop. Perhaps your governor could do a broadcast letting you know guerrilla campaigning of the Tennessee nature isn't really effective for either candidate. At the moment we've got...

-Sarah Palin's email hacker.

-Crazy girl who carved a "B" into her face and claimed a black guy did it.

-White supremacists who plot to assassinate Obama.

This isn't a political blog, but I am seeing a strange trend growing from our neighbors to the north. I'm just ready for the elections to be over nationally AND locally. I can only hear about how Jim Martin kills children and Saxby Chambliss is a tree with the roots of all evil so many time.

But now back to something we can all agree on!

Facebook Event: The Jortout

Admitting you have a problem is the first step to healing.

Fake TT's girlfriend sent me this via facebook. You can find it right chare.

For those who aren't in the Facebook community, the invitation reads as follows...


In the Year of Our Lord 1990, Stephen Orr Spurrier became Head Ball Coach of the Florida Gators, ushering in a period of brutal beatdowns over the “University” of Georgia, the likes of which had not been seen since the marriage of Ike & Tina Turner.

After 4 or 5 years of such beatings, the battered Bulldogs of Georgia had little bite left to their bark. In hopes of filling the void left by their lack of trash-talking ammunition, Georgia fans created perhaps the most dastardly, yet cruel taunt that has ever graced the grand tradition of college football: “Gators Wear Jean Shorts.”

However, despite such hateful rhetoric, the Gators continued to win in Jacksonville (no doubt due to the overwhelming denim presence), winning 15 of 18 meetings. Even through player graduations, coaching changes, and the Ron Zook Error (uh … I mean, “Era”), the Curse of the Jorts continued to haunt Georgia.

Last year, though, everything changed. Gator fans, embarrassed by their fashion faux pas, largely abandoned the denim delights that underpinned our good fortune. And the results were humiliating (WARNING: Graphic, and not intended for minors):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HnsC5ZxnD_8

Due to the sequence of these events, I am calling for a Gator Nation-wide jort-out of Georgia. We must bring back the magic, and jean shorts are the obvious key to our success. We need to fill Jacksonville Municipal Stadium with a united, concerted, and jorted effort to help will our Mighty Gators to victory.

And just think about it … imagine how intimidated Matthew Stafford will be when he drops back to pass and sees half the stadium clothed in cut-off denim. It will be scarier than any Halloween costume you might wear on the night before the game, and it will strike such fear in young Mr. Stafford that he will probably revert to his spooning ways (http://cache.deadspin.com/assets/resources/2007/05/StaffordAndCox.jpg) “just for the comfort.”

And think of the fear that will engulf Knowshon Moreno when he bounces outside towards the Gator sideline and sees a wall of drunk, jorted lunatics urging the Gators to lay his ass out. At halftime, he’ll probably change into denim football pants just to feed off of some of our jort-inspired energy.

The Gator players, on the other hand? They’ll be stoked by the sight of such jorted camaraderie. Word on the street is that Brandon Spikes supports the jorts. Not only that, but Chris “I’m a white girl kind of man” Rainey rocks jorts to the clubs, even if his black-denim preference seems to conflict with his love for white girls. And I know this is hard to believe, but Percy Harvin told me that he runs faster in jean shorts than he does in pads. Heck, even Tim Tebow – whose face emblazons the pajamas of both Superman and Chuck Norris – wears jorts to bed each night.

Look, I know jean shorts look ridiculous. In fact, I really hate only 3 things in this world: jorts, organized fan attire for sporting events, and the “University” of Georgia. But I am willing to look past the first two in order to spite the latter. It is imperative that we all do so, as this is one of the key components in the ass-whoopin’ that Georgia has coming their way. You have the rare opportunity to truly be a part of a history-making spectacle.

So on November 1st at Jacksonville Municipal Stadium, I urge each of you to sport jorts. Don’t do it for me. Do it for the team. Oh, and invite your friends. Spread the word that we need to support the jorts!


P.S. – Note to girls: there is no reasonable excuse for you to not wear jorts for this one game. It’s much more acceptable for you to wear jean shorts than for a guy to do the same. Don’t get me wrong – I love how you look in a sundress, baby, but you also look hot when you rock the Daisy Dukes. Even a jean skirt will do. Go ahead, try it on in front of the mirror. You know you look good. Wear it on Saturday … just this once.

Oh to Father a Child

One day, I shall name thee...

Herschel Munson Dooley Moreno Richt Quincy Alicious...wait...scratch Quincy.



Thank you Tri-Runner, the fact I might one day be able to mould a human mind into doing such things make parenthood not seem so gay.

10 Questions with the Enemy

When I went to college I befriended a small group of Florida fans. I have chosen to highlight the weakness of our friendship by interviewing a few of them. I will try to post one interview daily until I run out of friends.

My questions are in bold, Gator responses follow.

First up: Fake TT
(Caption: There used to be icebergs here, DAMN you global warming!)

Relationship: Roomate, Best Man, Fraternity Brother.

1. As a Bulldog, what’s going to make me crap my pants from this Florida team on Saturday?

I think one of the most worrisome aspects of our offense (from your perspective) is the fact that pre-season All-American speedster Percy Harvin holds the distinction of being the THIRD fastest player on our offense.

2. Who has been the biggest surprise of the Gator offense and defense so far?

Well, we’re past the halfway point, so I think a lot of folks have forgotten how worried we were about the state of our defense (in particular the secondary) going into the season. However, this has proved one of the most consistent pieces of this team from day one, and so I think the stellar play of the secondary (which is quite young) has been surprising. On top of that, I personally can’t believe how hard the secondary hits folks, both our cornerbacks and safeties. It makes it fun to watch. Unfortunately, I was surprised that the offense was overshadowed for so long this year by a superior defense (this offense was supposed to be “prolific” or some other similarly ridiculous adjective). However, it’s been a successful run game that seems to have gotten everything on the right track. Oh yeah, a running attack headlined by the two who are faster than Percy.

3. Which of the following films (Kindergarten Cop or Meet the Parents) has had a more profound effect on the man you are today, why?

I’d have to say Kindergarten Cop played a major role in forming me into the man I am now. It’s very nearly true that not a day goes by when I don’t quote Detective Kimball. And that can be a bit sad because I spend a lot of time alone in my office working on research.

4. If anything what will the Gators do (or not do) to lose this game?

These are two unbelievably good SEC football teams, and I think many such games tend to be decided by turnovers. Unfortunately, even in some recent huge wins, Florida has had a slight case of the butterfingers (Timmy has been a culprit). I worry about a fumble at the wrong time or on the wrong yard line, because I’ve seen a few lately. I hope they shore that one up (by the way, the verb “to shore” seems to be quite the word of the week here since everyone in Washington has been talking about “shoring up” our economy). On the other hand, never in my life have I seen special teams like I saw on Saturday in the first half against KY (two blocked punts and a blocked field goal – Brandon James didn’t even get the chance to display his punt return magic), so that could be a deciding factor.

5. If Urban Meyer was to plan a revenge for Georgia’s endzone celebration last year, what would you want it to be (don’t say winning the game…be creative).

Well, this could very well be just what I want – I think in such a case: Urban should strip off all his clothes and run around the field in nothing but his headset (I think they’re wireless now). I’m not sure if they can penalize for that one, but I would think they could.

6. What would you rather have happen in each situation:

a. Georgia win this game or have your mom catch you watching beastiality porn?

b. Georgia win this game or catch your girlfriend making out with Matthew Stafford?

c. Georgia win this game or never know love?

d. Georgia win this game or become a vegetarian?

e. Georgia win this game or never be able to see color again?

f. Georgia win this game or lose your pinky toe?

D, e, and f are easy ones – I’d probably do any of those without blinking. Although, if I’d agreed to f when Spurrier came to town I’d have a couple of club feet - WHAM. A is easy; I think it’d make for interesting dinner conversation (and I’m pretty quick on my feet; I could find a few Bible verses to justify my actions). Now b and c are tough, but here’s the scary thing: I think I would have gone conservative and said I don’t want my girlfriend making out with fat-face, or to not know love, but after the stunt UGA pulled last year, to hell with it, I want the win. I would be worried, I’m sure some of our football players are going to pull out all the stops as well.


7. What is Tim Tebow’s greatest weakness?

I think Timmy is a little bit conservative throwing the ball. I get the feeling he’s a little worried about that interceptions column, and I think that he tends to overthrow a lot of long passes because of that. After he threw his first one this season (after something like 200 without a pick), he seemed to loosen up.

8. If you could have one of Georgia’s players on Florida’s team who would it be?

I think I’d like to have Know-nothing Moreno. I’d feel pretty smug about benching him behind Jeff Demps and Chris Rainey, and perhaps even Emanuelle Moody if he ever gets healthy. Although I think he could battle it out for fourth on the depth chart with Kestahn Moore (maybe the one with the more original first name could have that fourth spot automatically, and I’d probably go with Knowshon).

9. Urban Meyer isn’t your coach and Ron Zook just got fired, which current D1 coach would you want as the new head Gator?

I hate to say this, but we’re getting into hypotheticals, so I will. I’d have to go with Pete Carroll. I can’t stand the guy, and I don’t know how he would look in the South/Not Hollywood, but he’s a hell of a recruiter, and he would feast on the talent in Florida and the rest of the South.

10. Seriously, what’s the deal with jean shorts? What would you say is the UGA equivalent?

You know what, Mackie, I think this is a frame of reference thing. I was born outside of the state of Florida, and so when I came here, it was a big deal. But now that I’ve lived in Gainesville, and been a student for the three major national championships (this is a terrible plug for justification, I know) it doesn’t seem that bad. Now, I won’t do it myself, but I don’t judge others. I feel that people who wear jean shorts are generally a wrung higher on the ladder of life than the best dressed Georgia fan, because at least they resemble some portion of the Gator fanbase. I don’t know that there’s a fashion faux pas equivalent, but I think your (admittedly talented) moron quarterback’s shenanigans would be a good place to start. I think I recently saw a picture of him passed out spooning some individual of questionable gender… Actually, I think I will remember the “bad deal” of last year’s game the most. And I think Percy said it best when he said that people do something like that when they don’t expect to score. At Florida, we expect to score.

BONUS:

You are no longer a Gator fan, you’re new favorite college team is...
my other alma mater, the LAGRANGE COLLEGE PANTHERS!!!

This Week

This week, if you've noticed the new header, Blogging Pantsless is focused on the task at hand...talking trash.

Enjoy.

Alternative Helmets: Commie Edition

With the upcoming game against Vandy, I thought I would provide the Commodores (or Commies) with some alternative helmet designs to help them run with the Socialism theme.

#1.

#2.

#3.

#4.

#5.

#6.

Gators aren't the only ones wearing 'em...

This gentleman was spotted by yours truly in section 305 yesterday.