Halloween Pumpkin

Sorry for the light posting...PPPTTpTtppttt. Sorry couldn't pull that off with a straight face. Been busting my tail with work, travel, and fine tuning my yet-to-be-picked-up television pilot where I dress up as an old white woman, say crotchety old things to young folks, and have a bunch of mis-pronounced catchphrases...OH LERRRD!

But every year I do a UGA themed pumpkin. This year I originally had a stencil for a Wrath of Todd Grantham pumpkin, but decided against it.
Too much detail, not enough motivation, so instead I decided to do a funny clown!

If you're familiar with Muschamp Stare...
...then you'll LOVE...


...MusCHUMP Stare Pumpkin!


Just a warning for the children who come to our door for candy this year, if you stand in front of Muschump Stare Pumpkin for too long the eyes will burn the phrase "BOOM MOTHERF%#KER" across your forehead. Not a good idea if you plan on having a professional career one day.

...and as always, I'll provide the official Halloween sign for Dawg Fans to be printed out and nailed to your front door.


Happy Halloween, kiddos! Hate a Gator today.

Disillusionment

The wife was on a business trip in Little Rock this week. She, being of the Crimson Tide persuasion, was getting an ear-full from the Razorback fans over there. She was kind enough to email me some of their disillusioned statements. And I read:

•This is Arkansas’s year.

•We will beat Alabama in Fayetteville this year.

•We have a Heisman trophy candidate playing for our team, so we will win against Alabama.

•Alabama has an unknown defense, so Mallett can easily put up 50 points against Alabama. The question is whether Alabama can score 51 points.

•Arkansas will run all over Alabama’s defense.

•If we beat Georgia, there’s no way we’ll lose to Alabama the next week. If we lose to Georgia, it will be tougher for us to win against Alabama, but it still can and will be done.

•We are ranked higher than any other SEC team (…except Alabama and Florida).

•After we win, we’re calling you, and you have to “call the Hogs” for us.

•Back in the day, Arkansas and Alabama was a huge rivalry game (...back in the day?!? 1992 when we played you for the 3rd time eva?!?). You had to come to the state of Arkansas to find the best coach in history. We’re ready to reignite that this year with a win.

•Arkansas could very easily go undefeated. Worst case, we’ll lose one game the whole season.

•Arkansas almost beat both Alabama and Florida in the last few years (then time spent reminiscing the moral victories of almost winning).

•The referee kept us from beating Florida last year.

•Arkansas will be playing for the SEC Championship this year.

•Nick Saban is an evil man who will leave Alabama soon for something else (okay… everyone kind of says that).

Just wanted to share that with you guys. Apparently Arkansas = University of South Carolina West.

Twitpic

I had this up on Twitter earlier but heard people were having trouble seeing it due to Twitpic being blocked through work.


I guess Enterprise understands your I.T. guy probably won't be moving out of his parent's basement anytime soon so he'd have no use for one of these.

Way to know your consumer, Enterprise!

Also, if you're on Twitter and want to help extend my group of Followers beyond "LiveXXXSexCam" spammers...follow me!

Cautious Optimism

It's getting harder and harder to tell the difference between Okie State fans and anyone from Knoxville...

The Pokes are going to stomp Georgia. I mean, run them out of BPS type beatdown.

I just have to say it. There are so many scared gooner fans saying we just simply don't have a chance, that I can no longer stomach the garbage.

OSU is preseason top 10, Young is a great new addition, and our talent level is possibly the best it has ever been at OSU. This is going to be a great year and it starts with a Beat Down of the Bulldogs!

These kids are freakin good. You should be scared gooner fans.

...just a little cannon fodder from the Okie State message boards. It hasn't reached the level of insult-hurling SEC trash-talk, but the Cowboy faithful are definitely drinking the Kool-Aid. Several Dawgs have signed up and counterpointed the debate, feel free to join us. This is gonna be a fun game, see you in Stillwater, boys.

JERRY!! JERRY!!! JERRY!!!

It appears Junior has taken a page out of the Mackalicious Guide to Surviving Prison, as seen here.

For those of you unfamiliar with my guide, it is as follows:

Step 1.
Enter prison.

Step 2.
Locate a small length of metal pipe. (pick it up)

Step 3.
Locate the meanest MF'r of all your fellow inmates.

Step 4.
Walk up to said inmate and swing that pipe as hard as you can at his mouth.

Step 5.
(as he lays stunned & bleeding) Loudly proclaim, "I AIN'T NOBODY'S BITCH AND I'M NOT GONNA GET BUTT RAPED!"

Step 6.
Immediately start getting butt raped because people see through your guise and know you're just a scared little boy out of his element.

Oh well, I don't plan on going to prison anytime soon.

However, Lane Kiffin is talking a MUCH bigger game than he ought to be at this point. I prefer Coach Richt's approach of speak softly and carry a big stick. That way if you get your salad tossed (by a team of Wyoming's calibre) every once and a while you're not stuck eating your words.

Also it is reported officials from the University of Alabama are relieved the Knoxville Newshounds have found another violations whipping boy to focus their attention on.

Innerview with the Enemy: Bama Report

Here to represent the Bama fan-base, a young house-wife from Marietta and Alabama grad, everyone's favorite wife I've ever had, Mrs. Mackalicious!

-Why will your team win this game?

We have a great defense that has been able to contain the running game all season. The gators believe they’ve already won the SEC, so they’ll be too busy looking ahead to the National Championship.

-Why will your team lose this game?

JPW’s frat bangs get in his eyes, and he’s unable to throw the winning touchdown… just kidding. I’m fearful of the costly, stupid mistakes that have plagued the Tide during previous seasons.

-If your team’s coach was a tree, what kind of tree would he be? Why?

Money tree. Get it? Because, we’re paying Saban a boatload of money to win.

...wishes Tuberville all the best.

-For each situation you only have 1 option, would you rather your team win or…

1. Have the pet of your choice live forever.

I love my dogs more than I love college kids who play football (Note: it says “dogs” not “dawgs”). Long live Olive, the Chihuahua. Sorry, Pepper.

2. End world hunger.

Since I’m not entirely heartless, I’ll go with ending world hunger.

3. Never know the feeling of throwing up again.

ROLL TIDE! I’ll take that feeling to see the Tide roll to victory.

4. Win the lottery (I’m talking powerball, not scratch-offs).

I’m old school, like the Tide’s Process this season, so I prefer work ethic and smart business sense to handouts on the road to financial success. I’ll go with Bama.

5. Have Heath Ledger alive again to reprise his role as the Joker. (I stole this one).

Roll Tide! Sorry, Heath Ledger fans.

6. Be assured you would die of old age (not a car crash or painful disease).

I’ll leave it up to the Man Upstairs to decide. Roll Tide.

7. Have your own personal sushi chef to impress your friends and fix you sushi whenever you wanted.

I’m already great cook, so ROLL TIDE!

8. Be friends with me.

You have to be my friend because you married me. ROLL TIDE!

9. Have your favorite television show never get cancelled and always not suck.

Have you watched TV lately? It’s already crappy. ROLL TIDE!

10. Never be too cold or too hot ever again.

ROLL TIDE!

-If your team wins, it is likely they will play for the National Championship. In a dream world, who would you like to be able to say you beat for the National Championship (assuming you don’t have a visceral hatred for Oklahoma)?

Well, this is really easy. In a dream world, we would play Auburn and beat them mercilessly... just like last weekend. However, beating Oklahoma would be nice. We played a #3 Oklahoma team to start the regular season my junior year of college and lost a very close game. It would be pretty sweet to avenge that at a National Championship game.

-How gay is it that Georgia lost to Tech last weekend? I mean really, be honest?

Honestly, it’s awful. I have to listen to you moan about losing. Therefore, I would prefer if Georgia always beat Tech.

-Who do you consider to be your school’s most famous alumni? If you could replace him/her with the celebrity, politician, artist of your choice whom would it be?

I will go with Harper Lee, because I was an English minor. She’s irreplaceable. You can’t beat the Pulitzer Prize winning To Kill a Mockingbird.

Boo Radley approves.

-Early picks for next year, take into account your team’s loss of seniors/early draftees, what will be your team’s record and which bowl will they attend?

I actually thought that next year would be Bama’s year. We’re losing JP-Dubs, but most of our talent is very young. The future looks bright. If we don’t go to the National Championship this year, I think we have a shot again in the next couple of years.

-What will you be drinking as you watch the game on Saturday, any good luck traditions?

I don’t know what I’ll be drinking. As far as good luck traditions, I will get up and run 9 miles. The last time I did that, we beat a team that was projected to win that day. I’m looking at you, Georgia Bulldogs.

-It’s pretty cold outside, eh?

It’s all that global warming.

-In the year 2019 there will be another famous football player become a national embarrassment to his school (Example: Orenthal James Simpson early 90’s to USC), which current NCAA football player do you wish this to be? Why?

I don’t really know. I’ll go with De’Shon Sanders of Texas Tech, given today’s headline. If you can’t keep in line in college, you sure aren’t going to have an easy time in the real world.

____________________________

ALRIGHTY! That wraps up the SECCG Innerviews. I want to thank our lovely guests Fake TT and Mrs. Mackalicious for taking time out of their busy day to take part in my bullcrap blog non-sense. I will say the win goes to Mrs. Mackalicious based soley on her jab at Fake TT for being a UF grad-student studying the effect of "global warming" on sea coral. Sweetie assured me his degree will go a long way toward getting him a job funded by taxpayer dollars somewhere! Hopefully 10 years from now he'll be able to find a good job based on something that actually exists.

That's all for now, I'm gonna get my work wrapped up and then swing by the package store to get all the supplies my wife has requested. Being a die hard Bama fan, she obviously knows more about downing hard liquor than I do, so I'm gonna take her word for it when she requests the ingredients for Russian-Jager Bombs. I never thought about dropping a shot of Jager into a pint of Vodka then dropping the pint of Vodka into a pitcher of beer...and pouring it all into a funnel. But hey, marriage is a journey, even if it takes you through the hard calloused liver of Tuscaloosa!

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND, SUCKERS!

Oh, final verdict? ROLL TIDE! #$%^ the Gaytors!

Innerview with the Enemy

I tried to contact a few Gator and Bama blogs about doing these "innerviews", but I realized the probably check their blog email as often as I do. So faced with a deadline I decided to look elsewhere. Therefore we're getting a couple of classy students from each university to entertain me.

First up on the dockett, representing the Denim-nation of Florida University, a young housewife from Gainesville, FL who goes by the name, Fake TT!

-Why will your team win this game?

Although Alabama’s defense is probably the best second best defense in the country (behind, dammit, Pete Carroll’s crew), their offense is quite lackluster. Meanwhile UF possesses wonderful teams on both sides of the ball. Add in the best special teams in the country, and the 10 point spread appears well justified.

-Why will your team lose this game?

I truly believe the Gators will be the superior team out there, but any superior team can lose if it turns the ball over. The only loss of the Gators season thus far was a product of five turnovers. Fortunately the dome setting assures there will be no weather issues.

-If your team’s coach was a tree, what kind of tree would he be? Why?

I’ll try to provide an equally silly response: Kelp, of course is a type of marine plant which grows in “underwater forests” (thank you for making this stretch plausible, Wikipedia) which I think represents Urban quite well. Why, you ask? Because kelp has the reputation of being able to grow more than a foot per day under ideal conditions, appropriate for the man who has built the fastest offense in the history of college football (I know you don’t think they’re as fast as that ’56 Notre Dame squad, but trust me.)

...points, stares.

-For each situation you only have 1 option, would you rather your team win or…
1. Have the pet of your choice live forever. UF win – Cloning is right around the corner

2. End world hunger. _UF win – what would we have to complain about?

3. Never know the feeling of throwing up again. UF win – I got used to throwing up when I went away to college?

4. Win the lottery (I’m talking powerball, not scratch-offs). UF Win – Hey, I’m 27 and still in school for a reason

5. Have Heath Ledger alive again to reprise his role as the Joker. (I stole this one from CH) UF Win – how many sequels of sequels have really been any good anyway?

6. Be assured you would die of old age (not a car crash or painful disease). UF Win – very boring life

7. Have your own personal sushi chef to impress your friends and fix you sushi whenever you wanted. UF Win – although I do love sushi

8. Be friends with me. Oh, Mackie, don’t make me decide
(THE ABOVE ANSWER IS ASSUMED TO MEAN BE FRIENDS WITH ME)

9. Have your favorite television show never get cancelled and always not suck. UF – please…

10. Never be too cold or too hot ever again. UF Win

-If your team wins, it is likely they will play for the National Championship. In a dream world, who would you like to be able to say you beat for the National Championship (assuming you don’t have a visceral hatred for Oklahoma)?
USC, not Oklahoma. In a dream world, UF would score 50 against the defense that Corso proclaims to be the best ever (which would then vault Bama’s defense to number 1… hmm, a nice consolation prize)

-How gay is it that Georgia lost to Tech last weekend? I mean really, be honest?
C’mon, man, you gotta represent the SEC. I mean, really, way to go Dawgs and Cocks for losing to the ACC.

-Who do you consider to be your school’s most famous alumni? If you could replace him/her with the celebrity, politician, artist of your choice whom would it be?
I suppose one of the most famous alumni of UF is Emmitt Smith.
Now, we'd really have to find a jack of all trades to replace the NFL's all-time leading rusher and, more importantly, champion of Dancing with the Stars. But again, just like cloning my pet, I'm sure in the future we can make a person out of Joe Montana, Brad Pitt, Mikhail Baryshnikov and Mother Teresa (for good measure, although I don't think she'd approve). I digress. I think I'd like to see Tiger Woods as an alumnus.

You read it here first, 100% of Gator fans interviewed would rather have Tiger Woods as an alumni than Mother Teresa.

-Early picks for next year, take into account your team’s loss of seniors/early draftees, what will be your team’s record and which bowl will they attend?
I feel pretty good that Monty Kiffin, the new head coach of the Vols, won’t have time to get it together up there in Knoxville (yes, I said Monty, in case you’re wondering, Lane will really just be the head recruiter). A Stafford/Moreno-less Georgia should be fairly mediocre, and therefore I think Florida has a nice road to the SEC championship game. I think they will face Bama again next year, especially due to the youth of both these teams. We’ve seen one and two loss teams make the national championship, so I think Florida will at least play in a BCS bowl next year. That’s as far as I’m going to take it.

-What will you be drinking as you watch the game on Saturday, any good luck traditions?
Just a little beer, I think. No good luck traditions, sorry.

-It’s pretty cold outside, eh?
Believe me, all us thin-blooded Floridians are sure glad this game is in a dome.

-In the year 2019 there will be another famous football player become a national embarrassment to his school (Example: Orenthal James Simpson early 90’s to USC), which current NCAA football player do you wish this to be? Why?
Sorry, Mackie, I’m not going with any Dawgs this time of year. I have a feeling Terrance Cody will end up being one of those guys who gets so fat he can’t leave his home. When inevitably he begins having health problems, they’ll have to tear down the wall to get to him and fly him out like a misplaced whale (however that happens). I certainly don’t wish this upon anyone, but I certainly see it as possible.

GO GATORS!

_______________________________________

Well, that was quite an insightful look into the denim-heart of a Gator fan.
Tomorrow we'll hear what the Crimson Tide faithful are thinking about the SECCG

Wesley Willis: Gator Hater

When not writing songs telling you to suck a doberman's hairy balls, he occupied himself with the "Cut the Mullett" campaign.



(h/t Ally at The Road to Copacetic)

Thanks Bop

I wouldn't have even known where to find this if it wasn't for Bop over at Catfish & Cornbread. The Original Gator Hater.