@Reverendraydrew

I hope it's not her Favorite Things episode, I don't want every other school to have their own Ray Drew at DE.

The Shakeweight Fiasco

...is this Aaron or Josh? (please say Josh)

If we somehow turn this season around and finish strong enough to get a Gameday hosting, I wouldn't expect this picture to completely disappear. Even those idiots in Auburn are smart enough to blow-up a picture at Kinkos.

...it's from a song, people.

No, ELO isn't actually saying "Bruce" but it's like the CCR song that goes "...there's a bathroom on the right".

Has the NCAA seen our Trapper Keeper?

Lets just pretend, instead of asking the NCAA for an appeal on AJ Green's excessive celebration suspension that we're asking them about our Trapper Keeper...

...either way, the response is probably the same.

Georgia Tech Wallpaper

Did you know if you wanted to visually tell the world what a dork you are, you can go HERE and download a sassy wallpaper for your computer desktop?!?


Nothing says, "Hi ladies, have you seen my collection of Star Wars Pez Dispensers?" like a GT Football computer background.

But you wouldn't want that, would you? Of course not. Chances are, if you're reading my blog on your own free will, you are a Georgia fan and know what a boobie looks like...in real life.

That's why you download THIS wallpaper instead!

...and the jokes write themselves.

Coach Richt's Call for Warming

Per Marc Weiszer's blog:

“I’m kind of hoping for a hot summer,” Richt said. “I’m hoping our guys get acclimated to a real hot summer. There’s been seasons when we’ve had a real mild summer and then all of a sudden that opening game or first couple of games, it’s just smoking hot. It’s hard to be ready for that unless you practice in it, so I’m hoping we get some good heat in the summer and get used to it.”

I did my best to find the clip of Drew Carey doing his stand-up routine where he complains about how cold it is up north during winter so he's standing outside emptying cans of hairspray trying to speed up global warming. Unfortunately I couldn't find it...so completely unrelated, here is George Carlin's rant on global warming instead.


I don't believe in Global Warming, but I do believe in Coach Richt. If you believe in Coach Richt AND Global Warming, here are some tips to add additional heat to Summer and getting our boys ready for the early kickoff heat!

-Paper or Plastic? BOTH! Double bag those suckers.

-Stop your trash service and burn your garbage instead.

-Pave your yard.

-Drive...to the mailbox.

-Air conditioner set at 60 with the windows open.

-Discard old paint buckets and oil cans in your local flowing water-source.

-Cut down trees and whittle them down to toothpicks. (it would help to have Raymond Scott's "Powerhouse" playing in the background while you do so for maximum Looney Tunes effect)

The Great Tech Conspiracy

I'm not gonna lie, I got a HUGE kick out of the Senator's commentary on the cancellation of the Tech/Bama series.
The first post was the best with this little gem from Sting Talk:

My friends in Tuscaloosa say Saban admitted that Bama wimped out. He said when they scheduled us they thought they’d face a Chan Gailey-caliber team, but now they don’t think they could handle us on top of their SEC schedule. They’re going to postpone the series until after Groh is too old to possibly coach our defense.

I don't know which is funnier, the fact Tech assumes another team would "wimp out" against an ACC opponent, or the attempt at passing a lie that Tech fans actually have friends.

But as stated, once the black helicopter's stopped circling and Tech's AD, Rad Dan Rad, stated the series was postponed in order to balance THEIR schedule...the lolz commenced 3-fold at our nerdly in-state rivals.
But never fear Tech fans, you are still feared...not in football, but in Kennesaw, Georgia where they fear your LARPing will interfere with their Civil War reenactments.

Skeleton? Put it in the closet with the others.

To further compound my plan to never run for public office, a picture has surfaced from a party I attended last week. The picture below is from the Johnny Weir Viewing Party MY WIFE AND I attended last Thursday. People from across the state gathered to watch Johnny Weir's Free Skate Program last week and once everyone discovered he was the 2nd-to-last skater most of us just drank and went back home.


But aside from any excuses I could make to justify my presence at said event, I feel the need to make 3 points proving my heterosexuality.

#1. Wedding ring, left-hand.

#2. Look at the masculine grip I have on that rose...nothing gay about that.

#3. Closing argument, "Flora-Bama" coozie stuffed with Coor's Banquet...'nuff said.

Of course the glaring obstacle to these points is the "Queer 4 Weir" shirt I'm wearing, but Blogging Pantsless has been around 2 years. If this surprises you, then you haven't been paying attention.

This is what you get....

OchoDos claims Coach Richt has a button to stop the rain. No official statement from the Athletic Department yet, but I'm willing to suggest the heavy flooding is the back-up caused by stopping the rain for practices.

I believe it was Spiderman's Uncle Ben who said...

"With great power, comes great responsibility."

I hope Coach Richt uses his weather button more responsibly in the future.

With that out of the way, I'll now ask you to sign my petition requesting Sonny Perdue lead the state in a prayer for drought...you may sign the petition in the comments section.

Carlton Thomas

The Senator already linked this article so chances are you've already seen it. Most of us following Spring Practices know about the short kid from Frostproof Highschool by now.

Carlton Thomas is only 5'8" putting him at eye level with most of our wives. However since reporting to campus last Summer at 169 Carlton has bulked up to 180 lbs (which isn't something you want your wife to do over the course of a year) and is getting some serious praise from his teammates for his vision, speed, and untackledness (sp?).

Number one, if you're an undersized RB a good person to idolize is Barry Sanders whom Carlton grew up watching with his father. Number two, with much of the uncertainty we have going into the tailback's competition, a darkhorse like Carlton Thomas might be just what we're looking for.

With Knowshon getting the lion's share of carries last year we only got to see Caleb King and Richard Samuel on limited playing time. To be perfectly honest neither guy dropped my jaw...but again, compared to Knowshon's elusiveness it's hard to stand out in that department. We'll see how the race shakes out, I know who my eyes will be on come G-Day.

Similar to how Orson Charles' name stuck with me like Orson the Pig from U.S.Acres, with a first name like Carlton you gotta know where I'm going with this. An undersized guy named Carlton...could it get much easier?!? Fortunately I was able to scrounge up this footage of Mr. Thomas performing for Ladies Night at Toppers downtown. Enjoy!

So far no Fulmer Cup points have been awarded to the Dawgs for Carlton's actions.

UPDATE:
Shows what I know about height. Apparently 5'8" is still fairly tall for a girl. This coming from a guy who is 6'5" and thinks his sister is short...she's 5'10".

He's a Ford Truck Man.

We've all seen Coach Richt's Ford F-150 commercial. He touts:

-Sweat feeding the soul
-Mental & physical toughness
-Success on and off the field
-Outworking the competition
-Hooking up with the watergirl
-Georgia Saturdays being built Ford tough

Apparently, Newnan recruit Alec Ogletree got to experience this first-hand. Last weekend Coach Richt gave him a ride from the weightroom to practice during Junior Day in his truck. He talked to Alec about staying close to God, living life to the fullest, playing in-state where his family could come watch him play and how he wanted nothing but the best for Alec. What a classy guy.


Whos got 2 thumbs and has to use seatcovers so the charisma don't stank up his leather upholstery?

But what really interests me in this story is Alec Ogletree's top choice right now is...Miami?!?! It's not surprising because Miami is a crap hole, it's surprising because he HASN'T EVEN BEEN THERE. I think if this guy is used to the suburban nightlife of the best Newnan, GA has to offer...Miami would eat him alive. I think it'll only take witnessing a couple drive-bys, a few bad drug deals, and catching a bad case of Feugo Cubano from the local mistresses in order to send this kid packing back north to Georgia. Randy Shannon, I'm sure you will show this kid Miami's finest.

"You know Alec, Larry wasn't the only one they called Coker."

"Do you know what a hassa is, Alec?!?"

Of course I've never actually been to Miami either. But I assume it's alot like the movie Scarface...still. Overrun by Cuban gangsters, out of control coccaine usage, discos, and gunfights in broad daylight. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Anyway I've said it before, I think the city of Athens is one of our greatest recruitment assests. We've got churches for the straightlaced kids and Toppers for the wild ones. If you want trouble you can find it, but it's not running rampant throughout the college town.

So hopefully Alec gets his visits in and comes back to UGA. This is out of Coach's hands now but the personal time riding in his truck couldn't have done anything but help. Rumor has it Paul Johnson is taking the same approach to landing his bounty of 2 and 3 star recruits for 2010.

Hurry boy! We gotta get over to the Varsity before the Nursing Students herd that way!

Happy Friday, Suckers!

Thank God for Photoshop...without it I'm nothing.

I warned you.

It's time to start scraping the bottom of my creative barrel.

SEC East Headcoaches as fastfood restaurants.

#1. Coach Steven Spurrier

This one is quite possibly the most obvious of the pack. Spurrier is McDonalds because he's old as hell and only poor people like him.


#2. Coach Mark Richt

Coach Richt would most likely be Chick-Fil-A. Good quality and a solid Christian foundation, sound familiar? Also, whether you want to admit it or not (as far as fast-food goes) your wife finds him delicious.


#3. Coach Bobby Johnson

Bobby Johnson will be represented by Arbys. Slightly more class than other restaurants, and the Vanderbilt faithful can use their ascots to wipe the extra horsey sauce off their chin. You never really pay much attention to Arbys until you take in too much and it rips you a new one. Then you try to forget the experience until a few years down the road it happens again.


#4. Coach Lane Bryant...I mean Kiffin...Kiffin.

New Tennessee coach, Lane Kiffin will be represented by Fatburger. Fatburger is a relatively new burger franchise from California who thinks it is ready to take on the bigboy burger chains but has yet to establish anything in Tennessee. No seriously they don't have any locations in Tennessee and have failed to dominate any of the surrounding Southeast states so far...hmm...interesting.


#5. Coach Rich Brooks

Coach Brooks will be represented by Cracker Barrel. While not technically fast food, is Kentucky even technically a football school?!? Anyway, Coach Brooks is old, crotchety, and loves a good veggie plate. He eats dinner at 4:00pm anyways so give me one good reason why he shouldn't be Cracker Barrel.


#6. Corch Irvin Meyers

I was really hoping to find a San Fransisco based Queer Burger or something to that effect but no such luck. Instead Corch Meyers will be represented by Five Guys. Those little burger joints that have been popping up and dominating the state of Georgia for the past few years??? That's Five Guys. You better take notice Chick-Fil-A, we're in an all out war here and it's time to get back on track! The more Five Guys start popping up around here the more highschool phenoms are going to get sucked into their glitz and glamour! Sure you only order a small fry but after they've got your to-go order ready they put A WHOLE 'NOTHER ADDITIONAL SCOOP OF FRIES IN THE BAG TO FILL SPACE!!! What the crap kind of trick is this?!?! It's time to wake up kids! Don't you see what this man is doing will leave you with nothing more than a knowledge of Spread Offense and a gigantic muffintop?!? If nothing else newspaper clippings of self-praise will adorn the walls of your building and any horse$h*t speeches you make will be immortalized in plaques for others to see how great you think you are. Meanwhile I swear I'm gonna be pissed if this crap doesn't turn around soon. I hate you Corch Meyers, I hate you.


...alrighty!

Tune in next time for the SEC West coaches! If you completely disagree with my analysis of headcoaches please feel free to let me know which restaurant you believe better coincides with said coach. Otherwise, take this as the gospel and never dispute it.

New Cah'

I finally found a replacement for my truck some douchenozzle totalled when he ran into me. I'm now the proud owner of a 2009 Honda Pilot. It's well equipped, got a 100K mile Honda warranty, and I got it $1,000 BELOW Kelly Blue Book's dealer invoice.

So in honor of my new toy, I give you Frank Zappa with a moving rendition of Joe's Garage straight into Why Does it Hurt When I Pee? Of course Joe's Garage is the only relevant song to this post, but I can't edit out the latter movement (pun completely intended).


In the Frank Zappa movie, his role is destined to be performed by Dustin Diamond.

A good start

The AJC is reporting Plant TE, Orson Charles eliminated The University of Florida from his list of schools.

This is good because many thought he was leaning toward UF. This is bad because Tennessee is still in the running meaning if he becomes a Vol Lane Kiffin will stick his tongue out at us.

Best possible scenario he becomes a Dawg, second best he goes to So.Cal. and has the option to lose 1 game per year to either Stanford, Cal, or Oregon Polytechnic State Community College. At least at UGA he'll have the satisfaction of losing a game against someone with Jesus on their side...

That person?



...Gene Chizik.

Who else were you expecting? Tebow?!? ...please.

How to reply to LSU heckling...

LSU Fan: EEEEY BOODAWG! NIZE ROUGE PAINTS! HAW HAW HAW!

Approved Blogging Pantsless responses...

#1.

UGA Fan: Nice fat guy dance moves.

#2.
UGA Fan: Come on Beaux, we goin' to DA game, you can bring your purple hat!



(and by the way, red pants ain't got nothing on #2 from the left's LSU pattern prints)


#3.
UGA Fan: Nice...ugh...paint job!
(photo from RJYH)

#4.
UGA Fan: Nice face!


#5.
UGA Fan: Nice life!


#6.
UGA Fan: Nice college town!


#7.
UGA Fan: ...What?!? I can't understand you! SPEAK ENGLISH!

(With all due respect, Justin Wilson was the man as far as chefs go. I remember watching his cooking shows when I was a kid on GPTV just because I thought his accent was hilarious. I doubt he would have made it on the Food Network in today's world, I hear they look down on eating squirrel.)

LSU Season Recap Thus Far: LOL Cajun Perspective

As I've stated before, I can't stand LSU fans. For all intents and purposes (or "intensive purposes" for you Red Batonians) they serve their purpose well. Being obnoxious to the point of opposing fans feeling threatened definitely creates an intimidating atmosphere Death Valley has become known for. Known for their complete lack of humility I chose to highlight the LSU season thus far from a cajun's perspective. Just to prepare you, the cajun language written out is actually very similar to LOL CAT so put your translating pants on.

Aug 30, 2008: Appalacian State
HAW HAW HAW IZ TIME FO DE FOOZBAWL AGIN WE'Z GONE WHOOP SUM DAT APPELACHY AZZ CUZ WE BESTER DAN DE MITCHGAN WOLFYREENS AN YOUZ CAIN'T STOP DE TIGERZ! HEY BEAUX, GIT YO P'UPLE n' GOLE PIMP SOOT ON WE HEDDED OWT!

later that evening...

WE WINZ!!! CREOLE!!1

Sept 6, 2008: Troy (postponed)
BEAUX, DIS WATAH GITIN HIGH BRING ROWN DE FAN BOTE I NEED MO ANDOUILLE SAWSEDGE FO DE GUMBEAUX, WE GONE TO DE PIGGYWIGGY BEFO DE GAMEDEY COMZ ON. HAW HAW HAW!!!

Sept 13, 2008: North Texas
BABA REY, YOU GIT DE ZAPPS POTATAH CHIPS FO DE TALEGATE? WE GOTSTA GIT ON DE ROAD ELSE WE GONE MISS DE UDDAH TEAMS BUS PULLIN INTO DE STAYDYUM. BEAUX, YOU GO GIT US SOME EGGS OUTS DE HEN HOWSE TA TROW AT DE BUS. HURRY NOW IZ TIME TA GO WHUP DAT MEAN GREEN AZZ!!! F#$% DA SUN BELT!

later that evening...

WE WINZ!!! CREOLE!!1

Sept 20, 2008: @ Auburn
HAW HAW HAW IZ TIME TO HIT DE ROW TO ALBAMA. BEAUX, PULL DE TRUCKVERTIBLE ROWN SO I CAN PUT DE COOLA IN DE BACK! BABA REY, MAKE SHUR YOU PACK DE TONY CHACHERE SEASONING FOR DE BAHBEQYOO! WE'Z GONE WHUP DAT TIGAH' AZZ...DAZ FUNNY I JUZ NODIS WE'Z DA TIGAHZ TOO BUT WE DA REAL TIGAHZ OF DE S.E.C. FOOZBAWL! pictured: Beaux and Barbara Ray's "truckvertible"

later that evening...

WE WINZ!!! CREOLE!!1

Sept 27, 2008: Mississippi State
SLY CROOM YOU BEZ HEAD BACK OVA TO MIZZIPPY CUZ YOU AINT GONNA CROOM US! WE GONE WHOOP DAT BULLDOG AZZZZZZZ!!! HAW HAW HAW! YOU GOT BLOW'D OUTTA DE G'YAWG'YA TEK GAME AN WE'Z BESTER DAN DE YELLOWEY JACKETS! BABA REY COM IN HYEH AN SHAVE MY HEAD SO I LOOK AS HANSOME AS JAMES CAH'VILLE FROM DE PICTURE BOX.

later that evening...

WE WINZ!!! CREOLE!!1

Oct 11, 2008: Florida
OH MAN WE GONE GEAUX TO DE GAINESVILLE AND WHOOP DEM FAGGITY GATORS AZZZZ!!! DE TIMMY TEBEAUX AINT GONE KNOW WHUT HIT EM CAUSE RIKKY JEAN-FRANCOIS AN DE TIGAH'Z COMMIN TO PUT HIM IN DE GROUND. DEY LOSS TO DE REBULS AN WE'Z BESTER DAN DE OLE' MISS AND WE GONE BEAT DE TEBOW WIDOWT MERCY!!!

later that evening...

F#$% DE GATORZ, DEM MUTHA F$#%IN REFS BLOWD EVRY G#$D@#$% CALL AN SCROOD US OUTS DE GAME. DEY NEED TO FIRE DE LES MILES, HE CAN'T COACH WURTH A D@#$ SEAUX WE CAN PAY DE NICK SABAN $5,000,000 A YEA'H AN COACH DE TIGAH'Z BACK TO RESPECTDABILTY! F#$% FLAWDA! G#$ D@#$%MIT!

Oct 18, 2008: South Carolina
HAW HAW HAW WE GONE WHOOP DE S#$% OUTTA DAT GAMECOCK AZZ!!!! STEVE SPURRYER AINT GONE HAVE DE TIME TO PICK HIS PLAYERZ OFF DE GROWND CAUSE DE TIGAH'Z COMMIN TO CLOBBAH DEM CHICKENS! YO TEAM IS DE JOKE OF DE S.E.C. AND GOT BEAT BY DE VANDYBUILT COMMODOSE. IF YOU T'OUGHT DE VANDY WAS TUFF YOU AIN'T SEEN NUTHIN LIKE WHATS COMMIN TO DE FAIRGROUNDS TODEY!! WE AIN'T GONE TO DIS GAME CUZ WE JUSS GOT A NEW BIG FLAT TV FROM DE TY PENNINTON AND OUR HOUSE GOT REBILT BIGGER FROM DE MOVE DAT BUS MAKEOVER SHOW. NOW DERS ROOM FOR ALL DE NEIGHBORHOOD CATS TO LIVE AN I NAME DEM ALL "MIKE"!

later that evening...

WE WINZ!!! KITTY CREOLE!!1 BABA REY BRING ROWN DE BUBBLE WATAH, IMA COOK MIKES 1-11!

All this week:
O MAN O MAN O MAN IS WE EVAH GONE WHUP DEM BULLDOGS AZZ!!! DIS AIN'T HAWAII YOU PLAYIN ROWN WIT, DIS IS DE L.S.U. TIGAH'Z, TIGAH BATE! WE EAT DE DAWGS! WE GONE SHOW NO MERCY! ALABAMA BEAT DE HEYLL OUTSTA YOU PUPPYS AND DE ALABAMA SUX! YOU BOYS IZ TIGAH BATE! TIGAH BATE!!!!!

Alternative Helmets: Commie Edition

With the upcoming game against Vandy, I thought I would provide the Commodores (or Commies) with some alternative helmet designs to help them run with the Socialism theme.

#1.

#2.

#3.

#4.

#5.

#6.

Ben & Jerry's: Tennessee Volunteer Edition

In honor of the Dawgs' match-up with the Vols this Saturday, I bring you the newest flavor venture from the Vermont ice-cream king, Ben & Jerry's. A spokesman from the company states Ben Jerry's will be offering up custom flavors to local markets based in SEC college towns. The vendors will be allowed to create new flavors, package, and market their product to the same SEC fans who buy anything with their teams logo on it. The representative went on to say, if people will buy this, they'll buy just about anything.

So later this month in Knoxville, and surrounding...farmlands...the following flavors will be available from your local Piggly-Wiggly.

Fulmers Favorite - A delightful creation with vanilla bean ice cream mixed with real Krispy Kreme donut bits, peanut butter & chocolate swirl, Oreo chunks, Moon Pie bits, marshmallows, butter, bananas, french fries, pineapple, Kraft Singles, peanut M&Ms, chicken wings, ketchup, and topped with a big orange slice. Mmmm, Mmmmmmmmmm.

Straight Outta' Crompton - This flavor begins with a creamy mix of chocolate and vanilla swirled together and a blast of flavor with chocolate football helmets filled with real clumps of grass pulled from Jonathan's facemask!

Eric Berry Garcia - Pretty much the same as Cherry Garcia, except the mixture is extremely inconsistent and may include a swirl of Knoxville's own "Blown Coverage Fudge".

Chili Slaw-fense - Obviously since the term "claw-fense" is vomit inducing to most Tennessee locals, we created a more fan-friendly flavor! Granny's homemade peach ice cream mixed with real chunks of Oscar Meyer hotdogs, a swirl of Hormel chili, and a generous "spread" of coleslaw is sure to satisfy even the most bitter good ol' boy who's had his fill of Dave Clawson's playbook!

Fish Food - Not to be confused with Phish Food, the Knoxville version will be chocolate ice cream mixed in with shredded bits of Johnny Chavis' defensive schemes and comes in a 12 oz. weighted tub capable of reaching the Tennessee River if thrown from the upper deck of Neyland Stadium.

Rocky Topper - There is no better comfort food than this. Portable and refreshing, Rocky Topper is a spirit-warming base of corn whiskey ice cream with a blast of peanut butter & jelly sandwich bits. Under each lid is a picture of Tee Martin giving you a smile, a wink, and a thumbs up with a passage reading, "Never give up."

Macknac the Magnificent: BAMA Edition

Come in, my child, have a seat. I hope you brought some Wetnaps because I'm about to blow your mind all over the computer screen. I have here in my hand 3 envelopes with questions regarding this weekend's opponent and SEC rival, the Alabama Crimson Tide. I will use my psychic abilities to answer the questions before I open said envelope; and in turn will wow and amaze all you fine readers. Lets get started shall we?

Envelope #1 (holds to head)

Macknac: ...and the answer is, "Zero of the last Three".

Ed: ZERO of the last THREE Heh, Heh, Haaaaahhhh!

Macknac: ...thank you Ed McMahon.

Ed: ...YES SIR!

Macknac: (opens envelope) the question...How many of the past 3 hair plug operations have been successful enough for Nick Saban to fool people?

Ed: Heh, Heh, Haaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!! ZERO!!!

Macknac: (looks at Ed blankly) ...right, that's what I said, thank you Ed.

Ed: YES SIR!


Envelope #2 (holds to head)

Macknac: ...and the answer is, "Alabama Blackout"

Ed: Ala-Bama Blackout, Heh, Heh, Heeeehhhhh.

Macknac: (opens envelope) the question...What happens when Bama Defensive Tackle Terrence Cody stands in front of the Sun?

Ed: HAH HAH...YEEEESSSS SIIIIIRRRRRRR!!!!


Envelope #3 (holds to head)

Macknac: ...and the answer is, "Gene Stallings"

Ed: Gene Stallings, Heh, Heh, Haaaaaaa.

Macknac: (opens envelope) the question...What is the molecular explanation to Alabama's lack of athletic ability?

Ed: ...HEYOOOOOOOOOO!!!!1

{audience goes wild with applause, curtain draws}

Terrence Cody

Terrence Cody (pictured w/o helmet) can only elicit the following responses from everyday "normal-sized" people.