Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Mackie's Guide to the Oscars: Part I

Since my guides to the Academy Awards were so wildly popular last year I've decided to fill the posting void with my reviews of the Oscar Nominated Best Pictures for this year. The term "wildly popular" used loosely, similar to how filing taxes each year is wildly popular.

So the Oscars are coming up and if you're anything like me you saw UP! and thought about seeing Avatar or had your parents tell you what a great movie The Blind Side was every time you visited. So you're pretty hip, eh? Well...not so much.

That's where I come in.

The purpose of this post is to update you on all the awesome movies you had no interest in seeing this year that Hollywood people think you should think are great.

It should hardly matter I haven't seen/heard of them either, but I've always been able to read people well so surely I can provide a ballpark idea of plot/storyline to continue making the readers of BloggingPantsless the most informed readers out there...(and stop calling me Shirley.)

So you best prep yourself for a SPOILER ALERT!!1 because there's no un-learning these endings once I drop the knowledge on you.

#1. Up in the Air

The WORST BATMAN EVER stars in this ROM/COM/DRAM about a guy who likes to fly around the world and be a douche. Just kidding, that's George Clooney's bio. But seriously, the guy from Oceans 11, 12, and 13 flies around the world and his job is to fire people at their respective jobs. He's a professional "lay-er off-er" which you would think makes him a great, big asshole (great casting btw). But Up in the Air gives us a view into the softer side of people who fly around the world and fire people as a profession...which I have yet to run into anyone with that as a job but I don't doubt it exists because otherwise they wouldn't have made a movie about it.

We see Everett O'Brother's softer side and watch him deal with loneliness (because obviously a man with looks that could make your grandma's panties drop deals with being alone often) and a job he is hated for having. IMDB also says Alan from The Hangover is in this movie so you better expect a lot of drug-humor, infant abuse, and facial hair.

#2. District 9

I gotta admit, I'm a little shady on the details of this one so I'm gonna make something up. I remember this movie having something to do with illegal aliens so I'm gonna put 2 and 2 together and say it's about Congressman Nathan Deal (*RIMSHOT!). HOLY BALLS look at the gun in that picture!

So Nathan Deal is a plasma-gun totin' renegade Congressman from Georgia's 9th District. He's on a mission from God to round up all the illegal aliens and put them in a bus back to Mexico...'cause they're Mexicans.

...and he's got a BIG GUN! BYEW, BYEW, BYEEEEEEW!!!1

#3. Precious

A friend of mine actually paid money to go see this and said he wanted to hang himself with the elastic in his underwear. So anyway, Precious is a movie about an obese, illiterate, black girl, who gets pregnant from her father (twice), is abused by her mother, has AIDS, and ...I'm sorry...who the hell would pay to see this?!? It's like someone said "Hey let me make a movie where nothing good happens to the main character and it's not Meet the Parents."

Instead of paying $9 to see this; cash your $9 into nickels, fill a pillow case with said change, dip the pillow case full of nickels into rubbing alcohol, and hit yourself in the face with it repeatedly...you'll get the same sensation as actually sitting though this nightmare of a "Best Picture"...Ppppptttttt.

#4. A Serious Man
...I'm assuming this went straight to video because I've never even heard of this film.

But A Serious Man is a black comedy (meaning it's satirical, not that it's like Soul Plane) by the Coen Brothers. If it's anything like No Country For Old Men you're guaranteed to hate it. But A Serious Man is probably a movie about a guy no one wants to hang out with. Women, gay dudes, and most pets find him intolerable due to the fact he is so frickin' serious all the time. He really needs to lighten up, so in a perfect world the Coen Brothers pair him up with the revisited role of Bud Macintosh played by, none other than, PAULY FRIGGIN' SHORE!

So the serious man and Bud Macintosh go on a road-trip together and look for a toilet stop in what they believe is a shopping mall, which in fact turns out to be a a closed ecological system which is a government funded environmental experiment sealed for 1 year. They accidentally get trapped in this "bio-dome" and hijinx ensue! They learn to rely on each other and the environment and when a year's time passes the serious man emerges from the experiment completely evolved into a cool guy. Men want him, and women want to be him...you read that right, being trapped for 1 year with Pauly Shore turned the serious man into a total homosexual. Rent it today, BIODOME 2: A Serious Man.

Stay tuned, we've got more reviews coming later this week ...maybe.


Bernie said...

It's Mackie's Oscar Preview 2010...I haven't seen the wife this happy since I bought her that mop for her birthday.

Years from now I can see taking the kids to see your star on the Hollywood walk of fame. I knew this guy, I'll say. It's a shame Govnuh Deal mistakenly had him bussed to Mexico.

Ally said...

There's a reason why i only watch the Oscar's for the fashion. Good God those movies sucked.

amanda young said...

Love to watch Oscar where I am sorrounded by many famous actors and actresses. Amanda Vanderpool