Reese Hoffa

Reese Hoffa, LUV U 4EVA BB!

NBC's Olympic Athlete Application

Name:

Sport:

Hometown:


In the following space please list all "special needs" relatives:





If you have no retarded relatives, please list deceased relatives for whom you would like your backstory based on:






If you have no deceased relatives who have inspired your competitive spirit, please name pets who's honor you will compete in:






If you have no pets, disabled relatives, deceased family members, or anything else we can exploit in an overly dramatic backstory; we at NBC ask that you only compete in Olympic events nobody watches (I.E. Biathalon...what kind of sport is that?!? Skiing and shooting a gun?!? pppttttt!!! Sounds more like my last trip to Sugar Mountain, NC if you know what I mean and I think you do! Seriously though, Biathalon is the worst.)


Sincerely:

Bob Costas
NBC Commentator

Winter Olympics

I'm pretty pumped about the Winter Olympics. Until I got married and my wife introduced me to the greatness of Olympic sports, I had little to no interest in them. Yeah, when they were in Atlanta I went with my parents to see Boxing (and I got my picture taken with Butterbean...I'll have to post that one later), but I wasn't enthralled with it like I am now.

So, with the opening ceremonies kicking off, I wanted to post the greatest moment in sports history.


This was the equivalent of a college baseball team beating the Yankees. It's watching Appalachian State beat NOT MICHIGAN, but the New Orleans Saints. I would say it's like watching me (from my college years) taking down Roger Federer in a tennis match but the 1980 US Hockey team wasn't THAT awful.

Aside from sport, it was watching the beginning of the end of the Cold War. We beat the Soviets at their own game.

If I remember correctly, this is where the "U-S-A! U-S-A!" chant came from. And I like to believe without THAT chant, we have no "S-E-C! S-E-C!" chant.

If you haven't seen the movie Miracle, add it to your Netflix queue. It ranks just ahead of Cool Runnings in the "Best Olympic Movies" and slightly behind Chariots of Fire.

It also leads to awesome moments in parenthood like this.
...I could eat this child. No seriously, I want to bite him.

Your Favorite Olympic Athlete

The year, 1992. The Winter Olympics were held in Albertville, France. YouTube didn't exist...and neither did their "Embedding disabled by request" policy.

Few people remember this, but all Georgia fans had the same favorite Olympic bobsledder that year. Unfortunately the Olympic uniforms didn't include printing "34" in twelve inch lettering on the back.

Also, I remember 2 years ago watching replays of this video and thinking "Herschel Walker is doing MMA?!?"

After he demolished the competition in his first MMA fight last month, someone label Herschel Walker the "Alpha Human" on Twitter. You'll get no argument outta me. At 48 years old, if the man wanted to wear a bedazzled unitard and ice-dance with Johnny Weir, I wouldn't tell him no.
Do not poke the bulldog, or he will bite.

Halloween 2008

Last year, I went as Larry Munson.


This year, Mrs. Mackalicious and I went for more of a "couples" approach.






...yet as you can see, her face is the one blurred out. That one make sense to ya?

Chris Collinsworth

What the hell did the NFL do to the shoulders of Olympic correspondent Chris Collinsworth?



He looks like one of the human-head puppet-body people from Weinerville.

Yes I understand that is a very random Nickelodeon reference, but in my defense I was able to find a VERY long YouTube video to supplement it. You can thank me later.

A Dialogue Between Olympic Athlete Tyson Gay and NBC Commentators

NBC Booth: "These false starts are really going to be straining Tyson's hamstrings which we've just finished presenting you a 15 minute backstory on how hurt his hamstrings are. Luckily the second start is quality, Gay seems to be in fifth place, it really must be due to that hamstring. (8 seconds later) And that's the end of the heat, lets go down on the track to speak with Tyson Gay, who just ran through some obvious hamstring pain to finish 5th in the qualifier which eliminates his chance of running for a metal."

NBC: "Thanks Tom, I'm down here with Tyson Gay. Tyson, great run my friend, how did that hamstring treat you?"

Gay: "Hamstring?!? Oh, the hamstring is fine. I just wasn't able to get it done today. "

NBC: "Yeah, I'm sure that false start didn't help it either. Tyson, we know the Jamaicans are fast, with your hamstring hurting you what will your plan of attack be in future races?"

Gay: "You serious? Uh, well...if my hamstring were to start hurting me anytime soon, I guess I'd just have to take it easy until race time, keep it loose, you know."

NBC: "Yeah, you'd better keep some ice on it too! Tyson, when you're running as hard as you can to the finish, and you feel the pain of your hamstring tightening up. What runs through your mind? Do you fear any permanent injury to it?"

Gay: "Look man, I don't know where you got the idea that I was running with a hurt hamstring, but I'm not injured. I'm feeling great! I just wasn't as fast as the Jamaican today."

NBC: "I'm afraid I can't let you say that, Dave."

Gay: "Dave??!? Look man, I don't know what's going on here but my hamstring isn't hurting me, listen to me when I say, I'm 100%. Bottom line, I'm not hurt, I just didn't run well during the heat. My legs are fine, no hamstring problems. I'm going to walk away now, thanks." (walks away)


















NBC: "Alright, thanks again Tyson. Clearly not making any excuses for his performace. But it is more than obvious his hamstring prevented him from making the cut at this heat. Hopefully he'll get his trainer to take a look at it and keep him healthy for the next race. Now on to our next 15 minutes backstory feature on Dara Torres' daily calcium supplement regimen, Tom."

Weekend Wrap-up: Olympics Edition

What can I say, since 7:30pm last Friday it has been nothing but 24/7 Olympics in the Alicious household.

Honestly, until I married my wife who is a total Olympics junkie I had little to no interest in the Olympics. Sure I went when they were in Atlanta and saw a couple of events, I even got my picture taken with Butterbean at the boxing event! But at the time I didn't appreciate them to the extent I currently do.

The opening ceremonies completely blew every other opening ceremonies out of the water. From the first time I nearly crapped my pants (at the 3 jillion light-brite drummers) to the last time I nearly crapped my pants (as the last torch-bearer began to turn and run around the inside of the hole in the roof, I thought his harness broke because he jostled to a 90 degree angle so quickly) it was an incredible spectical to say the least.

Aside from that, the events were fun to watch and having 3 NBC affiliates in high-def helped keep it interesting when badmitton was on. So far my favorite moments involved...

#5- LeBron James kneeing the basketball right into the ref's breadbasket after his free-throw rebound bounced back to him. Also, let it be known I tried to start up the "USA, USA, USA!!!" chant in my living room after every basket.

#4- Watching that 17 year old Chinese kid throw around 350 lbs in weightlifting like it was roasted dog on a stick (which you can't purchase in Beijing this month).

#3- Candidly catching some of the Chinese women swimmers tucking a "testicle shaped upper-thigh tumor" back into their swimsuit.

#2- Seeing Eli Manning smash his own world record and winning his first gold medal of the 2008 Olympics in the 400 meter swimmi...wait...Michael Phelps?! Ooooh, my bad.

#1- Knowing something few UGA fans know about America's secret weapon for the 33 meter high-dive. Here's a hint, he flew out yesterday and his name rhymes with Roach Park Micht!
Now you'll be #1 in the WORLD too, coach.

Other highlights include just seeing the outrageous Chinese architecture. I mean seriously...

...what...

...the...

...hell?!?

Am I to deduce that if the building doesn't look like bubblewrap, then it has to look like a bubble? If it doesn't look like either then it has to look like 2 conjoined Tetris pieces? I almost expect a few Mario Kart characters to go whizzing by shooting turtle shells at people, but whatever. Get with the program, China!

If nothing else I've found this as an excellent way to keep my mind off how ready I am for football to start, so with that I keep my conscience clean with my part-time lover, the 2008 Olympics. Just remember college football, you were NEVER around when I needed you most!

Failed Olympic Drinking Games

1. Take a shot every time you assume an oriental person is Chinese.

2. Take a drink every time Olympic Stadium is referred to as "The Bird's Nest".

3. Take a shot every time political conflict is mentioned in tandem with a competition.

4. Take a shot every time Michael Phelps wins a medal.

5. Take a drink every time you see Bob Costas with too much make-up on.

6. Take a shot every time Kobe goes to a Chinese "massage parlor".

7. Take a drink ever time you think you're watching men's swimming only to discover it's a women's event.

8. Take a shot every time your wife chastises you for smiling as they show that clip of the 2 women's volleyball players hugging and rolling in the sand together.

9. Scenes of Great Wall, bicycles, that weird leaning skyscraper, or Nintendo looking buildings = shot.

10. Don't drink every time you see a heterosexual male gymnast.