Motorized Barstool

While many tout the iPad or some other garbage Apple product as the greatest invention of the last 10 years...I beg to differ. I totally could have used one of these the other night when I was in no condition to walk. Apparently it's pretty simple to construct. All you need is:
1. counter stools
2. an old lawnmower
3. a friend who can weld (...you're on your own there).
4. a good lawyer

VOILA! Merry Christmas.

Damon Evans Needs to Go

...damn, Damon.

It took less than 24 hours for all Hell to break loose on your "DUI". If the DUI was your biggest problem my post below would have stood. But from police reports it sounds like the DUI is going to be the least of your worries.

I'd say Mama Bear (far left) allowing your testicles to stay attached is #1.

AND, as I write this I get an update from AJC saying you've been canned. Way to go, pal. In one night you managed to get a DUI, get busted cheating on your wife, and lose your job. I would have let the DUI slide, but you've got to be a real dirtbag to cheat on your wife, family man. That's why the official position of Blogging Pantsless has performed an about face.

Have fun celebrating your Independence, Damon. You've let more people down than you realize, and to top it you've made me look like a fool for supporting you which is the WORST of all your offenses. I wanted to eat burgers today, not crow.

Oh, Damon.

The bright-side is, neither him or the dead hookers in the trunk were attempting to text while driving.

I'll admit, it really sucks to think we might lose a great Athletic Director over this...but so goes the world of unforgivable offenses.

I WANNA TALK TO SAMSON!

Yes, this was just a trip to the dentist for a young Gators fan (who is high as a kite). However, judging by his affinity for said college team, I doubt this is the last time you'll ever hear a drunken roar from this little guy.



So if this kid is approximately 8 years old, I'll expect to see him in 6 more stumbling up to my tailgate in Jacksonville screaming "You fags don't know how to drink some beers! Here, give me that, I'll show you how to drink some beers! I'M THE KING OF THE BEACH, RRAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHRRRRRRR!!!"

yes, I believe the term is "Buckwild".

AC/DC tonight.


My next correspondence will be on Thursday, I'll likely be in no condition to post tomorrow.

Oddly enough, Thursday I'm going with my family to see White Christmas in a movie theater. I'll likely feel as awesome as I did last December 22nd when I had to go to the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra's Christmas concert after my birthday the night before consisted of Miller High-Life, Jagr Bombs, and vomiting on a 75/85 exit ramp.

...HOORAY CHRISTMAS!!1

Saturday Morning: A Day of Ritual - Round 1

As I promised Monday, I present you with the secrets to winning on your part. Today I'll cover just the basics of what to and what not to do when it comes to Gameday. These are the things you should know by heart already and should be a staple to any one's Saturday morning who takes their ritual seriously. So lets begin.

#1.

Never, ever, ever, EVER under any circumstance shave on Gameday. Guys, don't shave your face, your unibrow, don't trim your body hair, etc... Ladies, don't shave your legs or pluck anything if you want to take this seriously. Don't even trim your fingernails. Bottom line don't do anything that makes you less of a person (mass wise) when it comes to cheering your team to victory.

Here's another way to look at it.

Things that happen when you shave:
-weddings
-funerals
-court appearances
-jobs

Things that happen when you don't shave:
-hard liquor
-BBQ
-Guitar Hero
-hockey fights

...choose wisely, I know you will.

#2.

Know your Gameday attire, and have it ready the night before.
Pictured above:
1. Bulldog pattern underwear
2. UGA dri-fit polo
3. Red Eddie Bauer shorts
4. Red & Black New Balances
5. Gameday hat

No variations allowed unless you want to test your luck. The only acceptable changes are due to weather related events (rain ponch is a plus, long sleeves and full pants acceptable in late Fall) but even then you might want to make sure you're wearing the originals underneath...just to be safe.

#3.

Know what you're drinkin' and what you're drinkin' it out of.

Pictured above:
1. Jack Daniels (or chosen brand of whiskey)
2. Coke...NOT PEPSI...very important
3. Gameday cup

Last year I went through a handle of Jim Beam during the football season. A buddy of mine gave me a bottle of Jack for my birthday so I figured I'd give it a try this year. If things start getting too close I'll be heading down to Mink's Package to pick up some more Jim Beam...you can never be too safe (plus, said friend is a Tech fan, sabotage is always a possibility).

There is no acceptable alternative for Coke Classic. Bottom line.

Finally make sure you have your Gameday cup washed and ready to go come Saturday morning. This season I'm donning my plastic Sugar Bowl cup I got in New Orleans last January. Drinking is to commence at the beginning of ESPN's College Gameday Live (in moderation) only to slow until gametime. 15 minutes before your game of choice starts you better start hittin' the sauce again.

At the beginning of each quarter I down a shot of whiskey with a squirt of lemon juice concentrate on top. This shooter is in honor of Larry Munson who is all man (the whiskey) but still doom & gloom when it comes to sizing up the competition (the sour).
"Boy, Georgia Southern has a good lookin' team this season. Even with 8 starters out for the opener we better bring our A-Game because they'll come out swinging and we better be prepared."
Come 12:30 Saturday, this man will have you fearing Georgia Southern.

I'll cover a few more rituals later which are more specific to me personally. As I said earlier, the above should be standard traditions for anyone who is a football fan. I'll get into the crazy stuff tomorrow when I can take more pictures without getting rained on.

Failed Olympic Drinking Games

1. Take a shot every time you assume an oriental person is Chinese.

2. Take a drink every time Olympic Stadium is referred to as "The Bird's Nest".

3. Take a shot every time political conflict is mentioned in tandem with a competition.

4. Take a shot every time Michael Phelps wins a medal.

5. Take a drink every time you see Bob Costas with too much make-up on.

6. Take a shot every time Kobe goes to a Chinese "massage parlor".

7. Take a drink ever time you think you're watching men's swimming only to discover it's a women's event.

8. Take a shot every time your wife chastises you for smiling as they show that clip of the 2 women's volleyball players hugging and rolling in the sand together.

9. Scenes of Great Wall, bicycles, that weird leaning skyscraper, or Nintendo looking buildings = shot.

10. Don't drink every time you see a heterosexual male gymnast.

Weekend Wrap-up

When I left work on Friday I had one plan in mind. Go home, fill the cooler with beer and ice, put on some flip-flops & a Guy Harvey t-shirt, and make my way down to the Marietta Square for the Jimmy Buffett cover band. We get there, find a parking place, haul the cooler and chairs out to the square where a couple of friends already staked claim to a small area on the bricks.

Me and Mrs. Mackalicious had a great night, I drank a sixer and killed 1/2 a pizza from the Marietta Pizza Co. then made it home without having a single person I knew seeing me dance like a buffoon.

The next morning, I woke up by myself because my wife left to run a 5k in Kennesaw that morning. So I roll out of bed and head out to the softball field for our game at 9:30am. Though I'm not really "feelin' it" I kick it into rockstar mode and still manage to squeeze out a home-run, triple, and a single as our team wins 18-12. Not a bad way to start the weekend if I do say so myself.

That was about all the excitement over the break. I did get in touch with my feminine side watching The Holiday and Enchanted with my wife Saturday, but I definitely neutralized the estrogen in my system with a rocket burger from OK Cafe (salmonella-jalapenos and pepper jack cheese) and some good manly, man-work out in the yard as I weeded by the mailbox after church on Sunday.

Just like every other weekend it's over before it starts, but you gotta suck it up, be a man, and go back to makin' money like a tru playa. Just a final thought to think about, if you haven't seen the Sour Patch Kids commercial be prepared to have the image burned into your nightmares because I know one night I'm going to see this thing chase me down a never ending hallway with a butcher knife.

Good at theatres, bad in your dreams

The Worlds Smallest Indoor Running Bet

This week thanks to the constant coverage of SEC Media Days in Birmingham we're getting fed a lot of information about the importance of the Cocktail Party this year.

It's how Urban Meyer plans to get revenge for The Celebration, or how Mark Richt insists people focus on the 2/2 record or the 46/37/2 rather than the culmination of the 90's +8 years. This year's game is big no matter how you look at it.

I just thought I'd take a moment to tell you about why it's big to me.

When Georgia recruited Matthew Stafford I did a little research to see if his hype matched his numbers out of high school...and they did. Many people think Stafford is overrated as an SEC quarterback, but I still think of him as the team leader with a TON of talent and the resources to bring UGA a National Championship.

After the Cocktail Party two years ago when Georgia was still trying to figure out their QB situation I was starting to grow restless with the production of true freshman Matthew Stafford (see the Colorado game of that season as a PRIME example).

Somewhere deep inside I knew he had the talent but he had to grow into it, that's when I made a little bet with a buddy of mine who is currently a grad-student at Florida. Lets just call him "Gayman".

Somehow LaGrange College attracted a small group of Gator fans who all joined the same fraternity, Gayman was one of them.


The year is 2006, I am hanging out with Gayman at a buddy's apartment playing Jeopardy (circa 1987) on Nintendo, we make a little wager.

I bet him Matthew Stafford wouldn't lose 2 of the next 3 games to Florida, he bet me Tim Teabag wouldn't lose 2 of the next 3 to Georgia. The winner will receive a bottle of the finest bourbon whiskey that $50 can buy as a congratulatory gift from the loser.

As we already know, the Dawgs decided to wear their ovaries on the outside during the Cocktail Party last year and it paid off with a victory. This year's game is big because it either signals the turning of the tide, or it verifies what most of the Gator Nation thinks was a fluke win while their golden-boy QB was injured.

To me a victory this year will have the sweet flavor of charred oak barrels (actually if we win or lose I'm gonna be smelling like booze either way). A loss will give the Gators momentum in the series again and I risk losing my bet, not an option.

One thing I think is uber-important is whether Stafford or Tebow decide to go pro after this year. #7 has a pro gun, #15 has the size/speed to be a pretty good back but I doubt he'd be a first year pro QB in the NFL. If Stafford goes and Tebow stays I don't think Logan Grey would be skilled enough to beat a Gator team led by Tim Tebow. If Tebow leaves and Stafford stays I think the Dawgs have the advantage. If they both leave I don't know enough about Florida's future backups to match it but I hear Logan is catching on pretty quick to the Dawgs offense. The final scenario is both QBs stay with their school and we play a game for all the marbles. THAT my friends would be a game for the ages. Two teams who despise each other led by two of the best senior quarterbacks in the game (and AJ Greene would be next in line for the Heisman after Knowshon wins it in 2008 and is awarded the one from 2007 as well because the committee saw the error of their ways.)


So long story short, I hate you Florida.

...is it football season yet?