Thursday, January 8, 2009

Why you as a Georgia fan shouldn't cheer for Oklahoma (seriously, hear me out on this)

If you read my last post and were amazed at how I was able to link law school, Indiana Jones, and 24/7's decision to turn'll love this!

My goal is to tell you why you should cheer for the SEC tonight and not Oklahoma.

My argument begins with a comparison to the movie Independence Day. First off, I was 13 or 14 when this movie came out. I saw the previews and knew I HAD to see this movie when it was released on July 4th. I even tried to trick my parents into letting me go see it by telling them as a marketing ploy to be the biggest movie opening ever it was only going to be shown for one day...that didn't work and I saw it when we got back from vacation that summer.

So lets pretend to entire Universe is the collective of NCAA football. The SEC is Earth and the Big 12 is Uranus or wherever the aliens from ID came from.

At this very moment the Big 12 is threatening the good name of the SEC (Aliens invading Earth). Sure they've got their flashy QB's (big awesome spaceships), but when it all boils down they're really just a society of men the size of men and women the size of men who are the same size and bleed acid (seriously, those chicks are huge). They might have big guns, but their defenses can be penetrated and when you think about it they aren't anything we can't defeat.

As Americans we have fought with many nations. Japan, Germany, Iran, Korea, the list goes on...but right now, there is a greater foe. The Big 12 (Uranus) is threatening our superiority and this isn't a case of "The enemy of my enemy is my friend." This is where we as a planet (conference) need to come together and defend ourselves.

Unfortunately the Jean Short Nation represents America in this example, yeah I don't like it anymore than you but Georgia can be the 2nd most awesome country, Australia. America had the most fire-power in Independence Day and since Florida won the conference, they represent America. I assume Vandy to be Japan (since they're so smart), South Carolina to be France (because they talk a big game but they're total pu$$!es), and Mississippi State to be Antarctica (because the campus has so much awesome stuff to do).

Even though I picture Tim Tebow as more of a Randy Quaid type character, he obviously is the main hero of the movie represented by Will Smith.

Alot like Tebow, except he's black...and doesn't like to touch wieners.

So the pretty boy has carried the storyline just fine, but it will be people like Percy Harvin and Brandon Spikes (the President and Randy Quaid's character) who get the job done by completing the dirty work.

Sure Tim Tebow flew into the alien mothership to upload a computer virus, but I don't really have time to argue details, just keep up with the basics.

Iran (Auburn) wasn't trying to blow up any American landmarks during the alien invasion, they were being supportive of America even though they don't have cool fire-power (players) to threaten the invading aliens. After we bring down the invaders, then we can turn back to our own conference squabbles. I hate Florida as much as the next Dawg...but right now it's not about Florida, it's about protecting the sanctity of planet Earth.

We must protect this house

THAT'S the SEC, baby.

...the comments section is for Dawgs with opposing views to tell me how ashamed I should be of myself. But don't worry, my feelings aren't hurt when I'm called a dumbass...I've been married for 3+ years now.


Lucid Idiocy said...

I aliens were going to show up, destroy Gainesville, Fla., then leave, I'd be OK with that.

Mackie said...

You'll get no argument out of me with that comment.

bigphillystyle said...

I was working at the movie theater when Independence Day came out and remember getting into an argument with a patron. She said that she didn't pay good money to see ID4, as the poster indicated, she wanted to see Independence Day. She really wouldn't believe they were one and the same.
How that has anything to do with GA football or FL for that matter is completely beyond me. Go Gators!

the tri guy said...

After 3 months of reading Pantless, we finally disagree. I suppose 'twas bound to happen. Boomer Sooner!!

Mackie said...

Sorry Tri Guy, I guess it's like they say, you can please some people some of the time, but you can never please a triathalon runner because someone who tortures themself is never going to be truly happy in the first place.

I just can't say it enough though, I don't want Florida to win, I just don't want the SEC to lose.

I like to think of it as if a Braves fan would never cheer for an American League team to win the World Series...even if it was against the Phillies.

Scott said...

Whatever. I hate the Gators, and the day the words "Go Gators" come out of my mouth with no irony is the day I have instructed my daughters to lock me away for my own good, as well as that of society.

If I wanted to be logical about it (which I don't), I would tell you that the Gators are our competition in ways that a Big 12 teams never will be (recruiting, bragging rights, etc), and every time they accomplish something that we don't it hurts us in those areas where we compete.

But I don't want to be logical...I just want to hate Urban Meyer and Tim Tebow with a hate that burns with the heat of a thousand suns. I want them to lose every game by a hundred points, unless they play Tech, at which point I want them to win by one point...3-2.

Anonymous said...

"Circumcision is awesome. So are blue and orange crocs. "
-The Book of Tebow 6:11

Anonymous said...

geighest post ever?

i think so.

And I cheered for Florida.

Mackie said...

Gayest post ever???

Anon, you obviously don't read my blog often. I've written WAAAAY gayer stuff that this.