HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I'm gonna go ahead and get this outta the way so I can start drinking...

HAPPY NEW YEAR from everyone here at BloggingPantsless Enterprises (for the record I'm the only one here, but Happy New Year none-the-less).

Now your gift...


...if you've seen it, no explanation needed.

DCRotD: Vagueness Edition!

Oh boy, this is a GOOD one! Gotta thank Hamp Tanner for this one, but as far as vague rumors go this is not only the "vaguest" but it's also the "rumoriest".

Per Hamp:

"An unnamed person who owns an unnamed bar in an undisclosed location told me tonight that his source told him that CMR already has a committed DC. Said he could not tell me who it is."

HOLD THE MOTHER F@#$'n PHONE, PEOPLES!!1

What makes this great is the extreme ambiguity of a guy who doesn't want to be named telling Hamp that his unnamed source told him that Coach Richt already has his man...but can't tell us who it is.

(slow clap aimed at Fernandina Beach)

that can only mean 1 thing:

Our next Defensive Coordinator will be....




Tyrone Nix

Special thanks to Hamp for the initial offering and Kit Kitchens for the two-fer!

Don't worry folks, this can't go on for much longer, the AJC is already reporting that John Chavis isn't denying the rumors he's headed to Georgia. OMG, did I just blow your mind with a three-fer!?!?

DC Rumor of the Day - Hipster Edition!

Looking to get traffic? Try featuring a segment related to the Defensive Coordinator search at the University of Georgia. For a guy who's been streaky at best the last month, 1300+ hits is what the kids these days call "the tits". (please note, link is to Urban Dictionary...not...you know.)

The DC Rumor of the Day shall from here forward be referred to as the DCRotD, like how LOTR is short for "Lord of the Rings" or TTPNDB was short for "Tim Tebow's Prom Night Dumpster Baby". Family Guy...always hip, Bruh.

Anyway, today's DCRotD comes linked from Bernie who shot me Chris Low's article from the WWL. This article does 3 things...

#1. They throw a name out there. That name being John Chavis from LSU, nothing new really. We've heard this name before, but it goes on to report that LSU Linebacker Kelvin Sheppard states he was pulled aside during practice and told

“You knew if I was going anywhere, you’d [Sheppard] be the first person I’d tell. I’m here with you all, I love it here, I’m not going anywhere.”

Hey, that's quite a heart-to-heart being had with a Junior LB...plus I don't believe I've ever heard of anyone at LSU lying to their players before... ...holla atcha boi.

But I'm not mocking Sheppard or Chavis in this, I just love the thrills of speculative journalism...

#2. Chris Low gets into the dollars and cents of it all, claiming:

The word out of Georgia, though, is that the Bulldogs may go to $600,000-plus annually and offer a three-year contract.

Whoa, Nelly's bandaid! That's a serious chunk of change...I mean, it's not the 1.2 million that Gramps is swimming in up in Knoxvegas, but then again Coach Richt isn't hiring his daddy. It is, however, a lot of money for a coaching position with the added bonus of job security. So now we know the financial ballpark we're playing in (or technically, rumored to be playing in).

#3. Low throws out a couple more names from the NFL ranks. Todd Grantham of the Dallas Cowboys (whom David Pollack said "might be a name to know for Georgia fans") and Bob Sanders of the Buffalo Bills.

SO, what is there to gather from the DCRotD? Absolutely nothing! Why? Because there is no news and message board fodder gets reported as investigative journalism. Thanks again to Bernie (whom is definately hip because his emails end with "sent from Bernie's iPhone")...I'm assuming he's enjoying his time off wearing a flat-billed UGA hat, some nut-huggin' blue jeans, and his Advocare 100 Independence Bowl Victory T-shirt! ...you know, 'cause he's so hip!

But don't you worry Dawg fans, this segment won't last forever and the day we receive word from David Hale or an actual release from UGA Athletics we'll run the Defensive Coordinator FACTS of the Day and I'll fall back into relative anonymity.

Go Dawgs!

DC Rumor of the Day

Firstly I'd like to congratulate our boys on a great win in Shreveport last night. What started off as an ugly first-half (hmm...imagine that) got turned around with a quickness during the last 30. Best of luck to the seniors, thanks for your services to the Dawg Nation. It's been a great 4 or 5 years.

But back to business:

This gem came piping hot outta the velvet throat of Ron Franklin last night. While calling the Advocare V100 Independence Bowl (and taking a break from using the words "open field tackle" and "Washaun Early" for 5 minutes) I'll paraphrase the latest rumor as best I can:

"Our very own Joe Schad is reporting that Mark Richt has turned his eyes to the ranks of the NFL in his search for a new defensive coordinator...Ed do you like my new trench coat?"

Not verbatim, but something like that was said last night. The only reason this lands as Rumor OTD is because it comes on the heels of everyone thinking John Chavis and Mark Richt have worked out some backroom deal. You know...because Michigan will be coming after Les Miles and Chavis, though portly and mustachiod, doesn't enjoy the cold weather like you'd think a fat guy with a mustache would.

Also, if you're "doing the Twitter" as my mother would say, following @SchadJoe might be one of the more reliable sources for info regarding our DC search...sadly enough.

Mr. Schad broke the Willie firings before it was confirmed by UGA and he also had a late-night Tweet-a-thon covering the Vic Koenning fiasco as it unfolded. Like him or not, Joe Schad has someone feeding him info whether it's good or bad...well, use your filters wisely.

Favorite DC Rumor of the Day

Though technically it could have been the "Rumor OTD" 4 days ago, it's still a fun one.

Per a Dawgs.com message board user WLAYTON:

This was just emailed to me from my contact....very interesting and exciting.

There is a guy claiming that Richt has his DC decided, and it will be announced Jan. 2nd. I don’t know who this guy is because the guy won’t say. He says it was shared with him in the STRICTEST of confidence because the guy is coaching right now. However, the guy said that it’s one of the top 3 defensive coordinators in college football. He said that it is NOT Kirby. He said the guy has 10+ years as a defensive coordinator, and his defenses are consistently top 3 in the land. He said UGA fans will be VERY excited. Maybe Brent Venables from Oklahoma? Maybe Chavis from LSU? I don’t know…

The guy could be full of it, but that’s what he’s saying.


Again, I have no more verification than anyone (see two posts below where I select my new DC based on fictitious cinema) but rumor mongering went stale on me the first week of December. Now the fun is watching the rumor mongerers and sorting out who is legit and who is full of crap.

For the record I left the land of legit when I predicted UGA would win the East this year...BWAHAHAHA!!1

As I told the great Rex Robinson, "...if you weren't such a credible source you wouldn't have these problems (with scrutiny). Me? I try to stay away from credibility."

Hutson Mason Choo-Choo-Chooses the Dawgs.

What do Tim Tebow and any Josh Nesbitt have in common? ...they'll never be on the receiving end of any compliment remotely similar to this one.

per the AJ-sizzle:

The best comment that I ever heard was what [Detroit Lions coach] Jim Schwartz said about Matthew Stafford,” Mason said. “He said he was the most prepared rookie he had ever seen in his 30 years of coaching. He came in and ran an NFL offense right out of college with no problem. That says much about Mike Bobo and how he can develop quarterbacks as it does about Stafford.”

It's a great day to be a Dawg, we look forward to seeing you in red & black, Mr. Mason.

UGA's next DC will beeeeeee....

Face it Dawg fans...we have no idea what's going on. We've been speculating for nearly a month and the only people we're 100% sure of are the ones who signed contracts with their respective schools. Everyone and their grandmother has an "inside man" or "knows someone in the Athletic Department" but clearly Joe Schad's Twitter feed is Teh Word of God when it comes to breaking DC news...(thanks, I'll be here all week, tip your waitress).

So, if the endless speculation is as pointless to you as it is to me, please enjoy today's piece on whom I want our next DC to be from the Hollywood School of Football Pissing Excellence.

My 3rd Choice:
Kevin O'Shea (Ed O'Neill), from the film Little Giants



Qualifications:
Heisman Trophy winner, has NFL experience, has been coaching the Pee-Wee Cowboys from Urbania,Ohio since the late 80's. Also he was a star at Polk High (where he scored 4 touchdowns in one game)...oh wait.

Summary:
Coach O'Shea is the tough-as-nails coach who isn't afraid to make tough decisions...such as cutting girls from the team. He constantly recruits the best players and coaches them to pee-wee championships. He's only lost once (in 1994)to his brother, Danny O'Shea, and that occurred when Danny had illegal players AND lied to parents (saying he was the famous Coach O'Shea). The O'Shea family has close ties to former NFL talent like Emmitt Smith, Steve Emtman, and Bruce Smith. He also would have the ability to snag quality recruits with his ties to John Madden.

Though Coach O'Shea has little to no experience in the SEC coaching defenses, I think his overall resume speaks for itself. Plus since everyone (except me, Sweetie) is enamored with hot wives (ie, Mrs. Lane Kiffin), check out who Coach O'Shea is married to!



My 2nd Choice:
Farmer Fran (Blake Clark), from the film The Waterboy.



Qualification:
Coached Defense at South Central Louisiana State University. His defense led the team to a Bourbon Bowl victory back in 1998.

Summary:
Face it, angry Cajun's are scary. If we want fire to Coach Richt's ice he would be the perfect fit. We applaud Erk Russell's intensity for knocking heads with his players. If Farmer Fran is as unstable as every other swamp-dwelling Cajun I've met, our players would be motivated with fear. Fear of getting their hands dipped in his bubbling turkey fryer, or possibly watching Coach Fran pull a knife on someone. As much as I thought Willie was prone to Epic Failing, when his boys did good it was fun to watch him jump into their arms on the sideline...imagine how great it would be to see Coach Farmer Fran on the sidelines doing this little celebration at the Cocktail Party!


My #1 choice:
Coach Bud Kilmer (Jon Voight), from the film Varsity Blues

Qualifications:
Coached the West Canaan Coyotes to a WHOPPING 23 Division Titles. Starred in this montage video I found set to Joe Esposito's "You're the Best Around" from the Karate Kid Soundtrack...
SOMEBODY GIVE THAT MAN A CONTRACT!

Summary:
Yes, I know Coach Foster is a polarizing figure in the world of football. He's pretty cut-throat when it comes to winning, but again...the guy would be an excellent fire to the previously mentioned "ice" scenario. His level of intensity ranges from comments like, "Cry me a river, you fat f#$%ing baby!" to actually attempting to strangle one of his players (Jonathan Moxon, class of 1999).

Plus he used to drive a convertible LeBaron...

Oh...J-O-H-N? ...nevermind.

A Kick in the Pants

Wow, you see the date on the post below this one? The one that reads November 24th? Well if your memory serves you right that was posted before Washaun Ealey ran this state.

As far as blogs go, there is an internet wasteland full of failed ventures. When I decided 2 football seasons ago to start Blogging Pantsless I was determined not to let it join the ranks of (insert name of dead blogs here).

Well, it appears as though I'd gone through a drought of spare-time and creativity. But today is my birthday, and my wife got me the coolest thing I couldn't have even guessed.



You know what this is? This is the complete 1st year of Blogging Pantsless in print. Apparently I had a lot more to write about during the 2007-2008 season because the damn thing is 250 pages long. I put a pencil in the side for a little perspective of thickness...




Here are a few excepts you die-hard pantsless fans might recall...
(this was when I photoshopped Tebow with Tyrone Biggums crackhead gear)


(ah the old, who would play the role of (SEC Coach) in a movie post...lolz)

There hasn't been any lack of news to write about, my work has just been crazy as we wrap up 2009. This gift was just the thing I needed to remind me how much I enjoy doing this. I'll get better, I promise...sometimes we just need a kick in the pants to remind us why we do the things we do. Thanks, Sweetie.

...and stop calling me Shirley

Even against the advice of Robert Downey, PETA continues to their efforts to go "full retard". The email sent to AD Damon Evans reads as follows...

In the wake of the untimely death of the University of Georgia's (UGA) bulldog mascot, Uga VII, PETA has asked the school's athletic director, Damon M. Evans, to replace the mascot with an animatronic dog--or to rely solely on a costumed mascot--instead of using another real bulldog. Bulldogs are prone to breathing difficulties, hip dysplasia, heart disorders, and other congenital ailments, and acquiring a dog from a breeder perpetuates the animal overpopulation crisis while causing another dog waiting in an animal shelter to be condemned to death.

"It is time for the university to put an end to the cycle of suffering endured by dogs who are brought into the world solely to represent the school's 'brand'," says PETA Assistant Director Kristie Phelps. "By choosing a humane alternative to the use of live animals as school mascots, UGA can show that compassion always wins."

...I see UGA MM happening (/sarcasm).

The most appropriate response from Damon Evans would be to print the email out, wipe his anus with it...then throw it away just in order to not "keep this email paperless". However, if he were to recognize PETA as a legitimate organization and respond, you can never go wrong quoting the movie Airplane!

"Surely, you can't be serious."

Interview with the Enemy: Nerd Edition

If you're on Twitter you may hear me go back and forth with a Tech fan by the name of @JeffBaltes. Jeff and I were in the same fraternity in college and keep in touch only through the occasional attempt to piss each other off in less than 140 characters. Jeff is a contributing blogger to The Jolly Good Fellows which covers all things Tech. Baltes was kind enough to sit down with me and do a quick 10 question interview concerning this years edition of Clean, Old-Fashioned Hate.

#1. I will start off by asking for a few pointers on how to survive a sh*tty season, you guys have had 7 seasons with at least 5 losses since 2001 (01-07). Which helps more? Drinking, or optimism that it can’t get worse than this?

You know it could get worse, we could have been Duke through all those seasons. But I think after every UGA loss, we held our hope that Chan Gailey would get fired. It only took five losses in a row to finally unload him. I miss him and Reggie.

I actually think Chan lost to Georgia 6 times in a row...but moving on.

#2. Many Tech fans may not know this but it’s been a secret among the Bulldawg Nation that our defense has been purposefully sucking all year in an effort to lure Georgia Tech into a false sense of security for the Clean, Old-Fashioned Hate game. How do you think Tech’s offense will react once we unveil our master plan?

I feel pretty good that Tech’s offense will be ready for the master plan of Willie Martinez. I expect some late hits and other penalties along with missed tackles. I just hope Rennie Curran is not in on the play.

#3. Many Tech fans may not know this but it’s been a secret among the Bulldawg Nation that our offense has been purposefully sucking all year in an effort to lure Georgia Tech into a false sense of security for the Clean, Old-Fashioned Hate game. How do you think Tech’s defense will react once we unveil our master plan?

Our defense is mediocre at best but we will be just fine against UGA’s offense, especially if AJ Green does not play.

#4. Many Tech fans may not know this but it’s been a secret among the Bulldawg Nation that our Special Teams coverage and return game has been purposefully sucking all year in an effort to lure Georgia Tech into a false sense of security for the Clean, Old-Fashioned Hate game. How do you think Tech’s Special Teams coverage and return game will react once we unveil our master plan?

Have you seen our special teams? They are just that, “special” There might be 2-3 kickoffs returned for TD’s in this game.

#5. What is more embarrassing for Tech fans? Having Zombie Nation’s “Kernkraft 400” play over your stadium’s sound system or the Georgia Tech interstate sign on the connector that still uses colored light bulbs?

UGA used to play “Who Let the Dogs Out” thus nullifying any embarrassment that might come from the GT fan base.

If I can follow up the fact that we played “Who let the dogs out” for one season, as opposed to ya’ll playing Kernkraft 400 for several years and the lightbulb sign is old as balls…you technically didn’t answer the question.

They play Kernkraft when they are showing a history of GT football and I like that. So I guess the sign is more embarrasing.

#6. Why will Tech win, Saturday?

We will score more points and Paul Johnson won’t let us lose. You know he is better than Chuck Norris, don’t you?

#7. Why will Tech lose, Saturday?

Because our defense goes to sleep and our special teams do not cover kickoffs. If AJ Green plays, he might score 4 TDs.

#8. Why does Paul Johnson’s face look like Kate Gosslin’s (pretummy tucked) belly?

He fell out of the ugly tree and landed on a rock.

#9. How much are you loving that the only thing I can do for my team’s sake is make smartass comments about non-football issues?

It is fun, because we have dealt with this the entire decade. Paul Johnson knows what he is doing.

#10. I was in attendance of the Kentucky game last week where the wheels came off for my Dawgs. I’ve pretty much given up hope of beating Tech this year because you guys have a solid team and Joe Cox might be the single most inconsistent QB in Div I-A history. Many Dawg fans are looking forward to next year and banking on our recruits panning out, how does the future look for Georgia Tech football?

The future is very bright for GT fans as we have a stable of running backs in waiting, the only concern is getting our defensive line where it needs to be. We will lose Derrick Morgan this year and that will hurt, so I hope they can develop some d-linemen to get our defense back where it needs to be!

Bonus Question: Complete this sentence: “Joe Cox _________ Reggie Ball”

Joe Cox is still better than Reggie Ball.

Thanks for being a good sport, Baltes. I wish you and your team the worst of luck Saturday and I hope you completely implode...aside from that, I appreciate you entertaining me.

GO DAWGS!