Happy 48th birthday to the Alpha Human.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Football Nightmare
I had a REALLY bad dream last night. I dream that UGA Football opened the season against Wofford at Sanford Stadium and we lost 44-42. We lost because our Special Teams play was absolutely AWFUL! We couldn't cover returns whatsoever and it was like watching all your hopes and dreams come crashing down in EMBARRASSING defeat.
...isn't that pleasant?
Well, don't worry because I've never really been one to have prophetic dreams. If so, this whole terrorism nonsense would have been handled a while back when I first started having John Mclane style hero dreams.
For the record, in those dreams I single-handedly defeat the Russians, save my wife from her Ruskie captors, AND prevent The Pier in St. Petersburg, FL from being blown to pieces.
I'M A M-EFFIN' STUUUUUUUUD!
...isn't that pleasant?
Well, don't worry because I've never really been one to have prophetic dreams. If so, this whole terrorism nonsense would have been handled a while back when I first started having John Mclane style hero dreams.
For the record, in those dreams I single-handedly defeat the Russians, save my wife from her Ruskie captors, AND prevent The Pier in St. Petersburg, FL from being blown to pieces.
I'M A M-EFFIN' STUUUUUUUUD!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Mackie's Guide to the Oscars: Part I
Since my guides to the Academy Awards were so wildly popular last year I've decided to fill the posting void with my reviews of the Oscar Nominated Best Pictures for this year. The term "wildly popular" used loosely, similar to how filing taxes each year is wildly popular.
So the Oscars are coming up and if you're anything like me you saw UP! and thought about seeing Avatar or had your parents tell you what a great movie The Blind Side was every time you visited. So you're pretty hip, eh? Well...not so much.
That's where I come in.
The purpose of this post is to update you on all the awesome movies you had no interest in seeing this year that Hollywood people think you should think are great.
It should hardly matter I haven't seen/heard of them either, but I've always been able to read people well so surely I can provide a ballpark idea of plot/storyline to continue making the readers of BloggingPantsless the most informed readers out there...(and stop calling me Shirley.)
So you best prep yourself for a SPOILER ALERT!!1 because there's no un-learning these endings once I drop the knowledge on you.
#1. Up in the Air
The WORST BATMAN EVER stars in this ROM/COM/DRAM about a guy who likes to fly around the world and be a douche. Just kidding, that's George Clooney's bio. But seriously, the guy from Oceans 11, 12, and 13 flies around the world and his job is to fire people at their respective jobs. He's a professional "lay-er off-er" which you would think makes him a great, big asshole (great casting btw). But Up in the Air gives us a view into the softer side of people who fly around the world and fire people as a profession...which I have yet to run into anyone with that as a job but I don't doubt it exists because otherwise they wouldn't have made a movie about it.
We see Everett O'Brother's softer side and watch him deal with loneliness (because obviously a man with looks that could make your grandma's panties drop deals with being alone often) and a job he is hated for having. IMDB also says Alan from The Hangover is in this movie so you better expect a lot of drug-humor, infant abuse, and facial hair.
#2. District 9
I gotta admit, I'm a little shady on the details of this one so I'm gonna make something up. I remember this movie having something to do with illegal aliens so I'm gonna put 2 and 2 together and say it's about Congressman Nathan Deal (*RIMSHOT!). HOLY BALLS look at the gun in that picture!
So Nathan Deal is a plasma-gun totin' renegade Congressman from Georgia's 9th District. He's on a mission from God to round up all the illegal aliens and put them in a bus back to Mexico...'cause they're Mexicans.
...and he's got a BIG GUN! BYEW, BYEW, BYEEEEEEW!!!1
#3. Precious
A friend of mine actually paid money to go see this and said he wanted to hang himself with the elastic in his underwear. So anyway, Precious is a movie about an obese, illiterate, black girl, who gets pregnant from her father (twice), is abused by her mother, has AIDS, and ...I'm sorry...who the hell would pay to see this?!? It's like someone said "Hey let me make a movie where nothing good happens to the main character and it's not Meet the Parents."
Instead of paying $9 to see this; cash your $9 into nickels, fill a pillow case with said change, dip the pillow case full of nickels into rubbing alcohol, and hit yourself in the face with it repeatedly...you'll get the same sensation as actually sitting though this nightmare of a "Best Picture"...Ppppptttttt.
#4. A Serious Man
...I'm assuming this went straight to video because I've never even heard of this film.
But A Serious Man is a black comedy (meaning it's satirical, not that it's like Soul Plane) by the Coen Brothers. If it's anything like No Country For Old Men you're guaranteed to hate it. But A Serious Man is probably a movie about a guy no one wants to hang out with. Women, gay dudes, and most pets find him intolerable due to the fact he is so frickin' serious all the time. He really needs to lighten up, so in a perfect world the Coen Brothers pair him up with the revisited role of Bud Macintosh played by, none other than, PAULY FRIGGIN' SHORE!
So the serious man and Bud Macintosh go on a road-trip together and look for a toilet stop in what they believe is a shopping mall, which in fact turns out to be a a closed ecological system which is a government funded environmental experiment sealed for 1 year. They accidentally get trapped in this "bio-dome" and hijinx ensue! They learn to rely on each other and the environment and when a year's time passes the serious man emerges from the experiment completely evolved into a cool guy. Men want him, and women want to be him...you read that right, being trapped for 1 year with Pauly Shore turned the serious man into a total homosexual. Rent it today, BIODOME 2: A Serious Man.
Stay tuned, we've got more reviews coming later this week ...maybe.
So the Oscars are coming up and if you're anything like me you saw UP! and thought about seeing Avatar or had your parents tell you what a great movie The Blind Side was every time you visited. So you're pretty hip, eh? Well...not so much.
That's where I come in.
The purpose of this post is to update you on all the awesome movies you had no interest in seeing this year that Hollywood people think you should think are great.
It should hardly matter I haven't seen/heard of them either, but I've always been able to read people well so surely I can provide a ballpark idea of plot/storyline to continue making the readers of BloggingPantsless the most informed readers out there...(and stop calling me Shirley.)
So you best prep yourself for a SPOILER ALERT!!1 because there's no un-learning these endings once I drop the knowledge on you.
#1. Up in the Air
The WORST BATMAN EVER stars in this ROM/COM/DRAM about a guy who likes to fly around the world and be a douche. Just kidding, that's George Clooney's bio. But seriously, the guy from Oceans 11, 12, and 13 flies around the world and his job is to fire people at their respective jobs. He's a professional "lay-er off-er" which you would think makes him a great, big asshole (great casting btw). But Up in the Air gives us a view into the softer side of people who fly around the world and fire people as a profession...which I have yet to run into anyone with that as a job but I don't doubt it exists because otherwise they wouldn't have made a movie about it.
We see Everett O'Brother's softer side and watch him deal with loneliness (because obviously a man with looks that could make your grandma's panties drop deals with being alone often) and a job he is hated for having. IMDB also says Alan from The Hangover is in this movie so you better expect a lot of drug-humor, infant abuse, and facial hair.
#2. District 9
I gotta admit, I'm a little shady on the details of this one so I'm gonna make something up. I remember this movie having something to do with illegal aliens so I'm gonna put 2 and 2 together and say it's about Congressman Nathan Deal (*RIMSHOT!). HOLY BALLS look at the gun in that picture!
So Nathan Deal is a plasma-gun totin' renegade Congressman from Georgia's 9th District. He's on a mission from God to round up all the illegal aliens and put them in a bus back to Mexico...'cause they're Mexicans.
...and he's got a BIG GUN! BYEW, BYEW, BYEEEEEEW!!!1
#3. Precious
A friend of mine actually paid money to go see this and said he wanted to hang himself with the elastic in his underwear. So anyway, Precious is a movie about an obese, illiterate, black girl, who gets pregnant from her father (twice), is abused by her mother, has AIDS, and ...I'm sorry...who the hell would pay to see this?!? It's like someone said "Hey let me make a movie where nothing good happens to the main character and it's not Meet the Parents."
Instead of paying $9 to see this; cash your $9 into nickels, fill a pillow case with said change, dip the pillow case full of nickels into rubbing alcohol, and hit yourself in the face with it repeatedly...you'll get the same sensation as actually sitting though this nightmare of a "Best Picture"...Ppppptttttt.
#4. A Serious Man
...I'm assuming this went straight to video because I've never even heard of this film.But A Serious Man is a black comedy (meaning it's satirical, not that it's like Soul Plane) by the Coen Brothers. If it's anything like No Country For Old Men you're guaranteed to hate it. But A Serious Man is probably a movie about a guy no one wants to hang out with. Women, gay dudes, and most pets find him intolerable due to the fact he is so frickin' serious all the time. He really needs to lighten up, so in a perfect world the Coen Brothers pair him up with the revisited role of Bud Macintosh played by, none other than, PAULY FRIGGIN' SHORE!
So the serious man and Bud Macintosh go on a road-trip together and look for a toilet stop in what they believe is a shopping mall, which in fact turns out to be a a closed ecological system which is a government funded environmental experiment sealed for 1 year. They accidentally get trapped in this "bio-dome" and hijinx ensue! They learn to rely on each other and the environment and when a year's time passes the serious man emerges from the experiment completely evolved into a cool guy. Men want him, and women want to be him...you read that right, being trapped for 1 year with Pauly Shore turned the serious man into a total homosexual. Rent it today, BIODOME 2: A Serious Man.
Stay tuned, we've got more reviews coming later this week ...maybe.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Work has been bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
I don't know why I ever feel the need to explain myself when I don't post at least 3-4 times per week...but work has been insane this week and frankly, we're not playing football right now so what's the big deal?
Anyway, my inner commentator is screaming like a female curler to be expressed so I figured I'd throw it a bone.
Baseball:
In the wake of Spring Training and the Braves getting their roster worked out, Bernie made a trip out to Foley Field last night to watch the Diamond Dawgs man-handle a bunch of Presbyterians looking for a quick game after Wednesday Night Supper and Choir Rehearsal. As cold as it was out there I'm assuming cups weren't necessary, but either way Dawgs won 11-3 and Bernie was able to pick up his limited edition Chance Veasey ballcap. If you're able to make it up to Athens to catch a game sometime, make sure to make a donation to the Prayers for Chance fund. The first 500 people who donate $20 will get one of these hats for their generosity and you know it's going to a good cause.
MMA:
In the wake of Herschel beating the dog squeeze outta some guy in Mixed Martial Arts, apparently Knowshon is testing the waters as well. From what I'm hearing some 18 year old got hopped up on goofballs and liquid courage then approached Mr. Moreno about his bicycle. Fortunately, Blogging Pantsless was able to obtain this exclusive video of the incident (NSFW)
Tough call on who made the worse decision, and I'm no lawya', but I'm going to assume this kid thinks he's going to get some of $$$uperman's money before it's all said and done.
AKC Dawg Show:
It could be that I've been so dang busy it slipped my mind, but I don't know how I could have completely forgotten that we don't have a mascot right now. David Hale does his best David Hale impression and gives us a great look into the goings on of the Seiler families search for UGA VIII. My favorite part is where Sonny delves into the PETA story and tells it like it is FAAAAAAR more eloquently than I would have.
Though I don't subscribe to the "Russ For 8" talk, I think Russ has done a great job with his role as fill-in. There is something to be said for patiently looking for the right Dawg for the job instead of seeing a void and filling it with any ol' dog. The good news is, no matter how "mascot-less" we might feel, at least we aren't trying to replace 80 years of tradition with a Star Wars character. If you asked me 10 years ago which NCAA school I thought would have a Star Wars character as their mascot, it likely would have been:
It's really a better representation of their institution's interest AND female constituency.
Anyway, my inner commentator is screaming like a female curler to be expressed so I figured I'd throw it a bone.
Baseball:
In the wake of Spring Training and the Braves getting their roster worked out, Bernie made a trip out to Foley Field last night to watch the Diamond Dawgs man-handle a bunch of Presbyterians looking for a quick game after Wednesday Night Supper and Choir Rehearsal. As cold as it was out there I'm assuming cups weren't necessary, but either way Dawgs won 11-3 and Bernie was able to pick up his limited edition Chance Veasey ballcap. If you're able to make it up to Athens to catch a game sometime, make sure to make a donation to the Prayers for Chance fund. The first 500 people who donate $20 will get one of these hats for their generosity and you know it's going to a good cause.
MMA:
In the wake of Herschel beating the dog squeeze outta some guy in Mixed Martial Arts, apparently Knowshon is testing the waters as well. From what I'm hearing some 18 year old got hopped up on goofballs and liquid courage then approached Mr. Moreno about his bicycle. Fortunately, Blogging Pantsless was able to obtain this exclusive video of the incident (NSFW)
Tough call on who made the worse decision, and I'm no lawya', but I'm going to assume this kid thinks he's going to get some of $$$uperman's money before it's all said and done.
AKC Dawg Show:
It could be that I've been so dang busy it slipped my mind, but I don't know how I could have completely forgotten that we don't have a mascot right now. David Hale does his best David Hale impression and gives us a great look into the goings on of the Seiler families search for UGA VIII. My favorite part is where Sonny delves into the PETA story and tells it like it is FAAAAAAR more eloquently than I would have.
Though I don't subscribe to the "Russ For 8" talk, I think Russ has done a great job with his role as fill-in. There is something to be said for patiently looking for the right Dawg for the job instead of seeing a void and filling it with any ol' dog. The good news is, no matter how "mascot-less" we might feel, at least we aren't trying to replace 80 years of tradition with a Star Wars character. If you asked me 10 years ago which NCAA school I thought would have a Star Wars character as their mascot, it likely would have been:
It's really a better representation of their institution's interest AND female constituency.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Skeleton? Put it in the closet with the others.
To further compound my plan to never run for public office, a picture has surfaced from a party I attended last week. The picture below is from the Johnny Weir Viewing Party MY WIFE AND I attended last Thursday. People from across the state gathered to watch Johnny Weir's Free Skate Program last week and once everyone discovered he was the 2nd-to-last skater most of us just drank and went back home.
But aside from any excuses I could make to justify my presence at said event, I feel the need to make 3 points proving my heterosexuality.
#1. Wedding ring, left-hand.
#2. Look at the masculine grip I have on that rose...nothing gay about that.
#3. Closing argument, "Flora-Bama" coozie stuffed with Coor's Banquet...'nuff said.
Of course the glaring obstacle to these points is the "Queer 4 Weir" shirt I'm wearing, but Blogging Pantsless has been around 2 years. If this surprises you, then you haven't been paying attention.
But aside from any excuses I could make to justify my presence at said event, I feel the need to make 3 points proving my heterosexuality.
#1. Wedding ring, left-hand.
#2. Look at the masculine grip I have on that rose...nothing gay about that.
#3. Closing argument, "Flora-Bama" coozie stuffed with Coor's Banquet...'nuff said.
Of course the glaring obstacle to these points is the "Queer 4 Weir" shirt I'm wearing, but Blogging Pantsless has been around 2 years. If this surprises you, then you haven't been paying attention.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Happy Birthday, Coach
...every 25 years, Coach gets a thumb.I know we're a day late, but we started partyin' early yesterday and crashed early. When I turned 25 I got to eat BBQ three days in a row, went out drankin' with friends and ended up puking on the Downtown Connector. I'm going to go ahead and assume your 50th was twice as badass as that.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
NBC's Olympic Athlete Application
Name:
Sport:
Hometown:
In the following space please list all "special needs" relatives:
If you have no retarded relatives, please list deceased relatives for whom you would like your backstory based on:
If you have no deceased relatives who have inspired your competitive spirit, please name pets who's honor you will compete in:
If you have no pets, disabled relatives, deceased family members, or anything else we can exploit in an overly dramatic backstory; we at NBC ask that you only compete in Olympic events nobody watches (I.E. Biathalon...what kind of sport is that?!? Skiing and shooting a gun?!? pppttttt!!! Sounds more like my last trip to Sugar Mountain, NC if you know what I mean and I think you do! Seriously though, Biathalon is the worst.)
Sincerely:
Bob Costas
NBC Commentator
Sport:
Hometown:
In the following space please list all "special needs" relatives:
If you have no retarded relatives, please list deceased relatives for whom you would like your backstory based on:
If you have no deceased relatives who have inspired your competitive spirit, please name pets who's honor you will compete in:
If you have no pets, disabled relatives, deceased family members, or anything else we can exploit in an overly dramatic backstory; we at NBC ask that you only compete in Olympic events nobody watches (I.E. Biathalon...what kind of sport is that?!? Skiing and shooting a gun?!? pppttttt!!! Sounds more like my last trip to Sugar Mountain, NC if you know what I mean and I think you do! Seriously though, Biathalon is the worst.)
Sincerely:
Bob Costas
NBC Commentator
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