10 Questions with the Enemy

When I went to college I befriended a small group of Florida fans. I have chosen to highlight the weakness of our friendship by interviewing a few of them. I will try to post one interview daily until I run out of friends.

My questions are in bold, Gator responses follow.

First up: Fake TT
(Caption: There used to be icebergs here, DAMN you global warming!)

Relationship: Roomate, Best Man, Fraternity Brother.

1. As a Bulldog, what’s going to make me crap my pants from this Florida team on Saturday?

I think one of the most worrisome aspects of our offense (from your perspective) is the fact that pre-season All-American speedster Percy Harvin holds the distinction of being the THIRD fastest player on our offense.

2. Who has been the biggest surprise of the Gator offense and defense so far?

Well, we’re past the halfway point, so I think a lot of folks have forgotten how worried we were about the state of our defense (in particular the secondary) going into the season. However, this has proved one of the most consistent pieces of this team from day one, and so I think the stellar play of the secondary (which is quite young) has been surprising. On top of that, I personally can’t believe how hard the secondary hits folks, both our cornerbacks and safeties. It makes it fun to watch. Unfortunately, I was surprised that the offense was overshadowed for so long this year by a superior defense (this offense was supposed to be “prolific” or some other similarly ridiculous adjective). However, it’s been a successful run game that seems to have gotten everything on the right track. Oh yeah, a running attack headlined by the two who are faster than Percy.

3. Which of the following films (Kindergarten Cop or Meet the Parents) has had a more profound effect on the man you are today, why?

I’d have to say Kindergarten Cop played a major role in forming me into the man I am now. It’s very nearly true that not a day goes by when I don’t quote Detective Kimball. And that can be a bit sad because I spend a lot of time alone in my office working on research.

4. If anything what will the Gators do (or not do) to lose this game?

These are two unbelievably good SEC football teams, and I think many such games tend to be decided by turnovers. Unfortunately, even in some recent huge wins, Florida has had a slight case of the butterfingers (Timmy has been a culprit). I worry about a fumble at the wrong time or on the wrong yard line, because I’ve seen a few lately. I hope they shore that one up (by the way, the verb “to shore” seems to be quite the word of the week here since everyone in Washington has been talking about “shoring up” our economy). On the other hand, never in my life have I seen special teams like I saw on Saturday in the first half against KY (two blocked punts and a blocked field goal – Brandon James didn’t even get the chance to display his punt return magic), so that could be a deciding factor.

5. If Urban Meyer was to plan a revenge for Georgia’s endzone celebration last year, what would you want it to be (don’t say winning the game…be creative).

Well, this could very well be just what I want – I think in such a case: Urban should strip off all his clothes and run around the field in nothing but his headset (I think they’re wireless now). I’m not sure if they can penalize for that one, but I would think they could.

6. What would you rather have happen in each situation:

a. Georgia win this game or have your mom catch you watching beastiality porn?

b. Georgia win this game or catch your girlfriend making out with Matthew Stafford?

c. Georgia win this game or never know love?

d. Georgia win this game or become a vegetarian?

e. Georgia win this game or never be able to see color again?

f. Georgia win this game or lose your pinky toe?

D, e, and f are easy ones – I’d probably do any of those without blinking. Although, if I’d agreed to f when Spurrier came to town I’d have a couple of club feet - WHAM. A is easy; I think it’d make for interesting dinner conversation (and I’m pretty quick on my feet; I could find a few Bible verses to justify my actions). Now b and c are tough, but here’s the scary thing: I think I would have gone conservative and said I don’t want my girlfriend making out with fat-face, or to not know love, but after the stunt UGA pulled last year, to hell with it, I want the win. I would be worried, I’m sure some of our football players are going to pull out all the stops as well.


7. What is Tim Tebow’s greatest weakness?

I think Timmy is a little bit conservative throwing the ball. I get the feeling he’s a little worried about that interceptions column, and I think that he tends to overthrow a lot of long passes because of that. After he threw his first one this season (after something like 200 without a pick), he seemed to loosen up.

8. If you could have one of Georgia’s players on Florida’s team who would it be?

I think I’d like to have Know-nothing Moreno. I’d feel pretty smug about benching him behind Jeff Demps and Chris Rainey, and perhaps even Emanuelle Moody if he ever gets healthy. Although I think he could battle it out for fourth on the depth chart with Kestahn Moore (maybe the one with the more original first name could have that fourth spot automatically, and I’d probably go with Knowshon).

9. Urban Meyer isn’t your coach and Ron Zook just got fired, which current D1 coach would you want as the new head Gator?

I hate to say this, but we’re getting into hypotheticals, so I will. I’d have to go with Pete Carroll. I can’t stand the guy, and I don’t know how he would look in the South/Not Hollywood, but he’s a hell of a recruiter, and he would feast on the talent in Florida and the rest of the South.

10. Seriously, what’s the deal with jean shorts? What would you say is the UGA equivalent?

You know what, Mackie, I think this is a frame of reference thing. I was born outside of the state of Florida, and so when I came here, it was a big deal. But now that I’ve lived in Gainesville, and been a student for the three major national championships (this is a terrible plug for justification, I know) it doesn’t seem that bad. Now, I won’t do it myself, but I don’t judge others. I feel that people who wear jean shorts are generally a wrung higher on the ladder of life than the best dressed Georgia fan, because at least they resemble some portion of the Gator fanbase. I don’t know that there’s a fashion faux pas equivalent, but I think your (admittedly talented) moron quarterback’s shenanigans would be a good place to start. I think I recently saw a picture of him passed out spooning some individual of questionable gender… Actually, I think I will remember the “bad deal” of last year’s game the most. And I think Percy said it best when he said that people do something like that when they don’t expect to score. At Florida, we expect to score.

BONUS:

You are no longer a Gator fan, you’re new favorite college team is...
my other alma mater, the LAGRANGE COLLEGE PANTHERS!!!