Tuesday, March 24, 2009

I warned you.

It's time to start scraping the bottom of my creative barrel.

SEC East Headcoaches as fastfood restaurants.

#1. Coach Steven Spurrier

This one is quite possibly the most obvious of the pack. Spurrier is McDonalds because he's old as hell and only poor people like him.

#2. Coach Mark Richt

Coach Richt would most likely be Chick-Fil-A. Good quality and a solid Christian foundation, sound familiar? Also, whether you want to admit it or not (as far as fast-food goes) your wife finds him delicious.

#3. Coach Bobby Johnson

Bobby Johnson will be represented by Arbys. Slightly more class than other restaurants, and the Vanderbilt faithful can use their ascots to wipe the extra horsey sauce off their chin. You never really pay much attention to Arbys until you take in too much and it rips you a new one. Then you try to forget the experience until a few years down the road it happens again.

#4. Coach Lane Bryant...I mean Kiffin...Kiffin.

New Tennessee coach, Lane Kiffin will be represented by Fatburger. Fatburger is a relatively new burger franchise from California who thinks it is ready to take on the bigboy burger chains but has yet to establish anything in Tennessee. No seriously they don't have any locations in Tennessee and have failed to dominate any of the surrounding Southeast states so far...hmm...interesting.

#5. Coach Rich Brooks

Coach Brooks will be represented by Cracker Barrel. While not technically fast food, is Kentucky even technically a football school?!? Anyway, Coach Brooks is old, crotchety, and loves a good veggie plate. He eats dinner at 4:00pm anyways so give me one good reason why he shouldn't be Cracker Barrel.

#6. Corch Irvin Meyers

I was really hoping to find a San Fransisco based Queer Burger or something to that effect but no such luck. Instead Corch Meyers will be represented by Five Guys. Those little burger joints that have been popping up and dominating the state of Georgia for the past few years??? That's Five Guys. You better take notice Chick-Fil-A, we're in an all out war here and it's time to get back on track! The more Five Guys start popping up around here the more highschool phenoms are going to get sucked into their glitz and glamour! Sure you only order a small fry but after they've got your to-go order ready they put A WHOLE 'NOTHER ADDITIONAL SCOOP OF FRIES IN THE BAG TO FILL SPACE!!! What the crap kind of trick is this?!?! It's time to wake up kids! Don't you see what this man is doing will leave you with nothing more than a knowledge of Spread Offense and a gigantic muffintop?!? If nothing else newspaper clippings of self-praise will adorn the walls of your building and any horse$h*t speeches you make will be immortalized in plaques for others to see how great you think you are. Meanwhile I swear I'm gonna be pissed if this crap doesn't turn around soon. I hate you Corch Meyers, I hate you.


Tune in next time for the SEC West coaches! If you completely disagree with my analysis of headcoaches please feel free to let me know which restaurant you believe better coincides with said coach. Otherwise, take this as the gospel and never dispute it.


Sweetie said...

I don't think Arby's is more classy, and they have no brand identity.

I would think Kentucky is Captain D's, because you think, "Hey, wait!Captain D's is still in business?"

Sports Dawg said...

Great job Mack! Super idea for a post.

Bernie said...

You're right! My wife does find Chick-Fil-A delicious. I guess that's why I leave her home on gamedays as much as I can...??

You've set the bar pretty high here Mackie. I expect to ROTFLMAO when you get to Petrino.

College said...

No What-a-Burger or Checkers??

Maybe a Hardees...I know it's your fav!