"Thanks everyone for showing up, I'd like to first start off with a prayer... (Tim recites lengthy prayer)...alright.
I guess you all are wondering why I called you all here today. Well, I wanted to let all my fans know, I've prayed about it for a long time...in fact...I'm gonna pray about it again right now (Timmy kneels down, bows his head...whispers, stands back up to mic).
Alright guys, I've talked to God, my family, my coach, and my boyfriend and I've decided to return to Florida for another season of football.
(Florida press goes nuts)
Alright, alright. I just wanted to say the main reason behind by decision to stay was because I felt God wanted me to stay and get my degree before I begin my pro career. The second most important reason was all the phone sex I receive from Kirk Herbstreit. Finally, knowing that Mackalicious from Blogging Pantsless would point a gun to his head anytime reporters started stroking their meat over me in a CBS backstory was all the motivation I needed to hang around one more season.
Actually, the phone sex with Herbie might be number 3...after all, it could be worse. I hear Clausen hates when Dr. Lou calls...poor little guy.
But I'd like to answer a few questions.
(ESPN's Mark Schlabach raises hand)
Mark: Timmy, how does this picture make you feel? (passes up picture)
Tebow: Mark, I feel this picture is an accurate portrayal of my interests and hobbies. I don't regret painting that on the side of the Kindercare building at all.
Actually guys, that's all the time I've got today. I've gotta get to my fourth Bible study of the afternoon, the fifth and sixth ones usually run a little long...but that's cool, JC's the man!"
Like, I said I wasn't actually watching or paying attention to Tebow's announcement a buddy of mine sent me a text to let me know the story...I was less than pleased.
I'm sure Tebow's decision to stick around one more year had WAAAAAAY more to do with his desire to get an education, play Gator football one more year, and chase tail at the local Boy Scouts facility than it had to do with him being a system QB with Draft Stock lower than General Motors'.
Tebow's future might include breaking all the rushing records in Toronto Argonauts history, but he is to be commended for being a team player and a legend in the Jean Short Nation.
Seriously I can't believe I've gotta put up with this horse$#!% for another season.
...I'm gonna friggin' puke.