Tuesday, February 10, 2009

How to Piss Your Wife Off on Valentine's Day

...that was easier than I thought.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I think dropping $80 + shipping for a teddy bear is necessarily a BAD idea. My issue comes with the fact that any woman who isn't 6 years old could possibly be woo-ed by a stuffed animal (regardless of the occupational outfit it's wearing).

In total opposition to the Vermont Teddy Bear Co. I offer a list of $80 alternative gifts that might be more useful.

1. Vacuum cleaner.

2. A massage (you can find women on Craiglist who will barter a massage for ROSES instead of CASH!)

3. Gym membership.

4. Eighty double cheeseburgers (which you could trail back to the bedroom from the front door for a naughty surprise!)

5. $80 cash

6. iTunes giftcard so she doesn't have to hear you talk about football all Summer.

7. Speaking of football...Georgia Tech season tickets + hotdogs & Cokes! HEEY-OOooO!

8. A giftcard to a clothing store named after a woman (Ann Taylor or Lane Bryant) she'll love either one!

9. Guitar Hero: World Tour.

10. Cocaine

Yep, by my count any of those 10 would be more useful than a stupid teddy bear from a stupid state. Serious, beside Ben & Jerry's what has Vermont done for you lately?


Bernie said...

The video doesn't say if you have to go to Vermont to get the matching tatt.

Ally said...

Ummm Lane Bryant is for "big" girls. Do NOT ever get your wife a giftcard from a "big" girl shop. Unless of course you want to start practicing abstinence.

dean said...

Getting your wife or girlfriend a gym membership goes right along with what Ally is saying. You might as well tell her she's fat and throw in a backhanded slap for good measure.

About how much cocaine does $80 buy these days? Uh, I mean.... ya know....just out of curiosity.