UGA Pumpkin

Last year I had a blast carving the Knowshon pumpkin. I asked for suggestions this year, but my talent level is somewhere slightly less than "A ref with his head in his ass" and "Two thumbs up Willie" Unfortunately outside of AJ Green saving our collective tails week-in and week-out, there haven't been too many memorable moments captured in photograph...so I figured I would turn back the clock this year.

Step 1: Choose a favorite Bulldog memory...


Step 2: Tape it down and use a nail to outline the graphic puncturing the skin JUST ENOUGH to leave an outline...


Step 3: Look at it...(this step isn't necessary, but I had a picture to take up space so I'm using it).


Step 4: Use a rotary tool to scrape around the punctured outline of your pumpkin graphic. I'd suggest using eye protection because after you're done there will be so much pumpkin shard slung at your face you'll look more orange than Sinbad.


Step 5: Make sure if you use a candle to cut enough ventilation (because technically you haven't opened any holes, you've only carved the skin).


Step 6: If you don't think a candle will be bright enough, I decided to cut a gap in the back and use a Maglite instead.


Step 7: Hang a sign by your front door that reads...


Happy Halloween! Go Dawgs!

How to Piss Your Wife Off on Valentine's Day

...that was easier than I thought.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I think dropping $80 + shipping for a teddy bear is necessarily a BAD idea. My issue comes with the fact that any woman who isn't 6 years old could possibly be woo-ed by a stuffed animal (regardless of the occupational outfit it's wearing).

In total opposition to the Vermont Teddy Bear Co. I offer a list of $80 alternative gifts that might be more useful.

1. Vacuum cleaner.

2. A massage (you can find women on Craiglist who will barter a massage for ROSES instead of CASH!)

3. Gym membership.

4. Eighty double cheeseburgers (which you could trail back to the bedroom from the front door for a naughty surprise!)

5. $80 cash

6. iTunes giftcard so she doesn't have to hear you talk about football all Summer.

7. Speaking of football...Georgia Tech season tickets + hotdogs & Cokes! HEEY-OOooO!

8. A giftcard to a clothing store named after a woman (Ann Taylor or Lane Bryant) she'll love either one!

9. Guitar Hero: World Tour.

10. Cocaine

Yep, by my count any of those 10 would be more useful than a stupid teddy bear from a stupid state. Serious, beside Ben & Jerry's what has Vermont done for you lately?

...and on that note, Merry Christmas

Much like George Costanza, I find it best to leave on a high note. That being said, sports headline of the year goes to Greg Wyshynski who writes for Yahoo! Congrats Greg, and Merry Christmas to everyone. I'm outie until after Christmas (barring any Earth-shattering news I feel the need to write about). Though I doubt Santa will bring me a new Defensive Coordinator for Christmas, I'm still pretty sure I'll still have a great holiday. Thanks, readers.

IMPORTANT REMINDER

If you are feeling a little sour today, you might want to either be dead or in the hospital before you think about missing work tomorrow. Come to work sick, vomiting, and with poo stains on your pants but DO NOT MISS WORK TOMORROW...

...unless.

...not that there's anything wrong with that.

Do you Know-pumpkin?

Just thought I'd share with ya'll my Halloween project, the Knowshon pumpkin.

#1. Find your picture and do a basic outline on a blank sheet of paper.


#2. Take a nail and go around the outline making tiny puncture holes in the pumpkin's skin.


#3. If using a rotary tool, make sure you put a tarp down. (They pretty much sling everything around.)


#4. Make love to your pumpkin...OH WAIT...I mean, cut air vents...yeah...air vents.


#5. Drill details into design, add light, and wish pumpkins were red. Then you've got yourself a tranny-fierce pumpkin!


#6. TRANNY-FIERCE!!1

When the cat's away...

This past week I have spent what I think might be the longest amount of time away from my wife since we've been married.

Some of you might not understand how different life is when your significant other isn't around, but it is like being in another world, the world of bachelorhood.

Both worlds have their pros and their cons, but I love my wife, I'm not afraid to admit it so that obviously wins out as the greater of the two. Although, as you can see in the following pictures, my week was filled with things I don't really get to do much as a married man. So I took pictures to document it.


#1 - Hamburger Helper



I understand the importance of "veggie nights" and "meals with sides" but one of my favorite meals when the Mrs. is away is Hamburger Helper. It is easy to cook, takes like 20 minutes to make, tastes pretty good, AND usually makes leftovers for future meals. Mrs. Mackalicious absolutely hates Hamburger Helper, so therefore it is sits next to my $4 bottle of Cooks Champagne in the "Special Occasions" section of the pantry.




#2 - Not Shaving- AKA. The Neck Beard

Let me throw this out there for you guys, I HATE shaving. I hate the way my face feels when it's clean-shaven, I hate trying to shave around an Adam's apple, and if I had it my way I'd have a thick, manly, man-beard. Well, unfortunately my facial hair is so splotchy it makes Matt Cerione look like the guys from ZZ Top. So I usually try to shave once or twice a week because my wife prefers it that way...but she ain't here...to let Scraggle Fest 2008 begin!


#3 Guitar Hero in My Underwear

My wife purchased Guitar Hero III for me as a Valentine's Day present, my life hasn't been the same since. I've found a way to run every single song on the game into the ground for her with constant practicing and enthusiastic, style-heavy performances, God bless her for what she has to put up with. When she leaves, so do the rules of what is proper to lounge around in, therefore late-night shows featuring Through the Fire and Flames occur. Also, I know I have great legs so please don't overload the comments section of this post with flattery.

#4 Excessively Large Cereal Bowls

Is that a mixing bowl? Nope, this week it's a cereal bowl.


Those were just a few highlights of my week as I attempted to celebrate acting single again. Other top moments included sleeping with the radio on, unlimited hot-water, and controlling the remote.

But to be honest with you, I don't think I could keep it up. I'm ready for my wife to get back, #1 because I miss her, #2 because I'm healthier & happier with her around, and #3 because she reads this blog. So if you all will excuse me, I need to go clean house before she gets back.

See you Monday with the Weekend Wrap-up! HOLLA!

UPDATE: After reading this I realize what a lazy slob I sound like, but let me include the smart things I did. Take care of the dogs, do the dishes, make the bed (even though I don't believe in making the bed if you're just going to be sleeping in it again in less than 24 hours), not spend money on eating out every night, and not going with my buddy Big Phil to see The Dark Knight at midnight (he most likely will have his review of it up at My Reel Reviews sometime today if you're interested) when I knew I had work the next day even though I REALLY wanted to see it. So there you have it, I'm a slightly responsible guy who can take care of himself and use good judgement even when his better half is away.

Weekend Wrap-up

As a contributing member of society I understand there are few rewards in life greater than the 3 day weekend. Needless to say when you get one, make the most of it. Highlights of this weekend included...



The Peachtree Road Race
I didn't run this year, primarily because #1 they returned my check and entry-form, #2 because I didn't want to pay going-rate for someone else's number. My wife on the otherhand found someone who was trying to dump their number at the last minute and was able to make it to the largest gathering of Kenyans, athletes, and people who will get looks of disbelief wearing their 10K t-shirts to the buffet they no-doubt are headed to after they cross the finish line at 3:45pm. But while they were burning precious calories, I was sleeping late and cutting grass with the DVR recording so I could try to pick out people I knew later.




Wall-E
I still have yet to find someone who DIDN'T like this movie. In my opinion, perhaps Pixar's best yet. When an animated movie blurs the line between what I can't tell is real or cartoon...that is impressive (except the Final Fantasy movie...that blew). Not to mention I'm a sucker for Hello Dolly fans, man or machine.




Fireworks
How do we as Americans celebrate our freedom? That's right, by shooting fireworks outta our butt-cracks! No telling how many people will return to work today without being able to hit the spacebar but you know what? Don't nobody care, because it makes for a great story. I decided not to scare the @#$% out of my dogs this year and stuck to the HD broadcast of the Lenox show. Until Channel 2 decided to do a split screen shot between Lenox and Mall of Georgia which completely negated any benefits of watching a fireworks show in High Definition...not cool Monica...not cool.




The longest Braves game in Turner Field history
Why was this game great? Hmmm...let's see, rain delay and I wasn't there. Bobby Cox got thrown out. A great comeback effort by the home-team in the bottom of the 8th. Eight free innings of baseball. Bases loaded single in the 17th wins it for the Bravos. Lucky for me I was able to watch the first part of the game from home, then me and Ricky Bobby met my parents at Applebee's for dinner (give it up for free meals!) where we watched them tie it up, drove home assuming they'd lose (I'm a bit of a baseball pessimist...I've been hurt too many times). Later that night I was sitting on my butt in the living room when I saw it was still on and caught the final two innings. In long games like that, it's best when you catch the meat of the game without any of the filler that's why I watch the last 5 minutes of basketball.

So I hope everyone had a happy 4th of July. If you didn't thank a vet, grill out, wave a flag, drive a truck, sing God Bless America, eat apple pie, fire a gun, catch a fish, light a fuse, drink a beer, say a prayer, hug your mother, kiss your wife/girlfriend (but not both), shoot a bird, walk around in underwear, or "thank you're lucky stars to be livin' here today"...then you were simply un-American my friend...and you can go to Hell.