Thursday, December 11, 2008

Your Guide to an "AS SEEN ON TV" Christmas

If you are anything like me, you know the 4 major components of creating a great television infomercial.

If not, here's your guide:

Step 1 - Show a grown person attempting to do some everyday menial task and epic fail like they've got diarrhea for brains.

Step 2 - Show same person doing the said task over again with the assistance of your "amazing" product, smiling like the gold metal winner of the Special Olympics.

Step 3 - The "Bonus". This section is only for those paying attention, because if you aren't paying attention you are about to miss out on a great deal. Often times your order will be doubled if you call in the next 5 minutes! So don't be dummy and put it on your Christmas list, you gotta order it NOW to qualify for 2 tubes of Magic Putty for the price of one. PLUS they'll throw in a SHAMMY!

Step 4 - The blue/green Order Now! screen with 1-800 number, accepted credit card logos, and excessively small legal print at the bottom.

VIOLA! You've got yourself one killer commercial now, amigo.

So the purpose of all this information is to pass along some of my favorite television product commercials just in time for Christmas. Hell, the economy ain't gonna fix itself without Billy Mays screaming at someone so I figured I'd give 'em a hand with some free advertising. This is also a sign of how little sports news I've got right now.

First up, the Get A Grip! Enjoy the segment, and don't forget...operators are standing by.

Apparently this thing is acceptable to be seen on your yacht, your bosomy grandmother's shower wall, and by your incontinent grandfathers porcelain throne!


If I receive this for Christmas I will:

Attach it to bottom of my shoe, then proceed to kick the person who gave it to me in the face.


Anonymous said...

By far, the best one that's been on lately is the blanket with "sleeves". I think it's called the "snuggie" or something equally stupid. I love the part where it shows the family sitting around a campfire, and they look like they are wearing monks' robes.

bigphillystyle said...

Damn, I bought that Snuggie last night. I can't wait until it comes. I'll wear it everywhere.

Anonymous said...

My mind was wandering once they said you could get 2 for the price of 1... Think about this: for 9.99, you have the tools to scale a 70 story building in downtown ATL like spider man. Visualize yourself climbing to the top of the Bank of America building with just two of those suckers. Sign me up!

DAve said...

Dude, if you haven't seen the convection oven thinger infomercial with Mr. T, you haven't lived. Trust me on this. If I can find any video online of this pinnacle of infomerciality greatness, I'll get you the link.

DAve said...

OK, yeah that didn't take long...

Baxter Sanford said...

Ah, the snuggie. I caught that 'mercial last night for the first time. In the scene around the campfire, I was waiting for the satanic figure to arise from the fire so they could sacrifice one of the kids.