Friday, December 5, 2008

Innerview with the Enemy: Bama Report

Here to represent the Bama fan-base, a young house-wife from Marietta and Alabama grad, everyone's favorite wife I've ever had, Mrs. Mackalicious!

-Why will your team win this game?

We have a great defense that has been able to contain the running game all season. The gators believe they’ve already won the SEC, so they’ll be too busy looking ahead to the National Championship.

-Why will your team lose this game?

JPW’s frat bangs get in his eyes, and he’s unable to throw the winning touchdown… just kidding. I’m fearful of the costly, stupid mistakes that have plagued the Tide during previous seasons.

-If your team’s coach was a tree, what kind of tree would he be? Why?

Money tree. Get it? Because, we’re paying Saban a boatload of money to win.

...wishes Tuberville all the best.


-For each situation you only have 1 option, would you rather your team win or…

1. Have the pet of your choice live forever.

I love my dogs more than I love college kids who play football (Note: it says “dogs” not “dawgs”). Long live Olive, the Chihuahua. Sorry, Pepper.

2. End world hunger.

Since I’m not entirely heartless, I’ll go with ending world hunger.

3. Never know the feeling of throwing up again.

ROLL TIDE! I’ll take that feeling to see the Tide roll to victory.

4. Win the lottery (I’m talking powerball, not scratch-offs).

I’m old school, like the Tide’s Process this season, so I prefer work ethic and smart business sense to handouts on the road to financial success. I’ll go with Bama.

5. Have Heath Ledger alive again to reprise his role as the Joker. (I stole this one).

Roll Tide! Sorry, Heath Ledger fans.

6. Be assured you would die of old age (not a car crash or painful disease).

I’ll leave it up to the Man Upstairs to decide. Roll Tide.

7. Have your own personal sushi chef to impress your friends and fix you sushi whenever you wanted.

I’m already great cook, so ROLL TIDE!

8. Be friends with me.

You have to be my friend because you married me. ROLL TIDE!

9. Have your favorite television show never get cancelled and always not suck.

Have you watched TV lately? It’s already crappy. ROLL TIDE!

10. Never be too cold or too hot ever again.

ROLL TIDE!

-If your team wins, it is likely they will play for the National Championship. In a dream world, who would you like to be able to say you beat for the National Championship (assuming you don’t have a visceral hatred for Oklahoma)?

Well, this is really easy. In a dream world, we would play Auburn and beat them mercilessly... just like last weekend. However, beating Oklahoma would be nice. We played a #3 Oklahoma team to start the regular season my junior year of college and lost a very close game. It would be pretty sweet to avenge that at a National Championship game.

-How gay is it that Georgia lost to Tech last weekend? I mean really, be honest?

Honestly, it’s awful. I have to listen to you moan about losing. Therefore, I would prefer if Georgia always beat Tech.

-Who do you consider to be your school’s most famous alumni? If you could replace him/her with the celebrity, politician, artist of your choice whom would it be?

I will go with Harper Lee, because I was an English minor. She’s irreplaceable. You can’t beat the Pulitzer Prize winning To Kill a Mockingbird.

Boo Radley approves.

-Early picks for next year, take into account your team’s loss of seniors/early draftees, what will be your team’s record and which bowl will they attend?

I actually thought that next year would be Bama’s year. We’re losing JP-Dubs, but most of our talent is very young. The future looks bright. If we don’t go to the National Championship this year, I think we have a shot again in the next couple of years.

-What will you be drinking as you watch the game on Saturday, any good luck traditions?

I don’t know what I’ll be drinking. As far as good luck traditions, I will get up and run 9 miles. The last time I did that, we beat a team that was projected to win that day. I’m looking at you, Georgia Bulldogs.

-It’s pretty cold outside, eh?

It’s all that global warming.

-In the year 2019 there will be another famous football player become a national embarrassment to his school (Example: Orenthal James Simpson early 90’s to USC), which current NCAA football player do you wish this to be? Why?

I don’t really know. I’ll go with De’Shon Sanders of Texas Tech, given today’s headline. If you can’t keep in line in college, you sure aren’t going to have an easy time in the real world.

____________________________

ALRIGHTY! That wraps up the SECCG Innerviews. I want to thank our lovely guests Fake TT and Mrs. Mackalicious for taking time out of their busy day to take part in my bullcrap blog non-sense. I will say the win goes to Mrs. Mackalicious based soley on her jab at Fake TT for being a UF grad-student studying the effect of "global warming" on sea coral. Sweetie assured me his degree will go a long way toward getting him a job funded by taxpayer dollars somewhere! Hopefully 10 years from now he'll be able to find a good job based on something that actually exists.

That's all for now, I'm gonna get my work wrapped up and then swing by the package store to get all the supplies my wife has requested. Being a die hard Bama fan, she obviously knows more about downing hard liquor than I do, so I'm gonna take her word for it when she requests the ingredients for Russian-Jager Bombs. I never thought about dropping a shot of Jager into a pint of Vodka then dropping the pint of Vodka into a pitcher of beer...and pouring it all into a funnel. But hey, marriage is a journey, even if it takes you through the hard calloused liver of Tuscaloosa!

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND, SUCKERS!

Oh, final verdict? ROLL TIDE! #$%^ the Gaytors!

3 comments:

Goat said...

You should write a book.

word verification: Satera (not to be confused with Cetera)

Mackalicious said...

I have a life goal to write a book. That goal also requires me to be referred to as a "humorist" and not an author.

At the moment, my goal of getting 100% accuracy on "Through the Fire and the Flames" on Guitar Hero takes precident.

...someday though.

the tri guy said...

You married a good woman Mack, even if she is a Bamer. Running 9 miles the day of the SEC championship game when your school is in it is hard-core dedication to the cause.