UGA's next DC will beeeeeee....

Face it Dawg fans...we have no idea what's going on. We've been speculating for nearly a month and the only people we're 100% sure of are the ones who signed contracts with their respective schools. Everyone and their grandmother has an "inside man" or "knows someone in the Athletic Department" but clearly Joe Schad's Twitter feed is Teh Word of God when it comes to breaking DC news...(thanks, I'll be here all week, tip your waitress).

So, if the endless speculation is as pointless to you as it is to me, please enjoy today's piece on whom I want our next DC to be from the Hollywood School of Football Pissing Excellence.

My 3rd Choice:
Kevin O'Shea (Ed O'Neill), from the film Little Giants



Qualifications:
Heisman Trophy winner, has NFL experience, has been coaching the Pee-Wee Cowboys from Urbania,Ohio since the late 80's. Also he was a star at Polk High (where he scored 4 touchdowns in one game)...oh wait.

Summary:
Coach O'Shea is the tough-as-nails coach who isn't afraid to make tough decisions...such as cutting girls from the team. He constantly recruits the best players and coaches them to pee-wee championships. He's only lost once (in 1994)to his brother, Danny O'Shea, and that occurred when Danny had illegal players AND lied to parents (saying he was the famous Coach O'Shea). The O'Shea family has close ties to former NFL talent like Emmitt Smith, Steve Emtman, and Bruce Smith. He also would have the ability to snag quality recruits with his ties to John Madden.

Though Coach O'Shea has little to no experience in the SEC coaching defenses, I think his overall resume speaks for itself. Plus since everyone (except me, Sweetie) is enamored with hot wives (ie, Mrs. Lane Kiffin), check out who Coach O'Shea is married to!



My 2nd Choice:
Farmer Fran (Blake Clark), from the film The Waterboy.



Qualification:
Coached Defense at South Central Louisiana State University. His defense led the team to a Bourbon Bowl victory back in 1998.

Summary:
Face it, angry Cajun's are scary. If we want fire to Coach Richt's ice he would be the perfect fit. We applaud Erk Russell's intensity for knocking heads with his players. If Farmer Fran is as unstable as every other swamp-dwelling Cajun I've met, our players would be motivated with fear. Fear of getting their hands dipped in his bubbling turkey fryer, or possibly watching Coach Fran pull a knife on someone. As much as I thought Willie was prone to Epic Failing, when his boys did good it was fun to watch him jump into their arms on the sideline...imagine how great it would be to see Coach Farmer Fran on the sidelines doing this little celebration at the Cocktail Party!


My #1 choice:
Coach Bud Kilmer (Jon Voight), from the film Varsity Blues

Qualifications:
Coached the West Canaan Coyotes to a WHOPPING 23 Division Titles. Starred in this montage video I found set to Joe Esposito's "You're the Best Around" from the Karate Kid Soundtrack...
SOMEBODY GIVE THAT MAN A CONTRACT!

Summary:
Yes, I know Coach Foster is a polarizing figure in the world of football. He's pretty cut-throat when it comes to winning, but again...the guy would be an excellent fire to the previously mentioned "ice" scenario. His level of intensity ranges from comments like, "Cry me a river, you fat f#$%ing baby!" to actually attempting to strangle one of his players (Jonathan Moxon, class of 1999).

Plus he used to drive a convertible LeBaron...

Oh...J-O-H-N? ...nevermind.